You Suck At Photoshop

Well, actually, according to Donnie Hoyle who presents the series everyone except him sucks at Photoshop. You Suck At Photoshop is a series of 20 videos, available on Youtube, which aims to teach various aspects of Photoshop.

What makes the series of videos, unique and, stand out from the millions of Photoshop tutorials available on Youtube? The way it is presented.

The 20 part series introduces Donnie Hoyle who uses Photoshop to to tell you all about his life as it happens. Part 1 starts with the fact that the wife of Donny Hoyle has been cheating on him. So he Photoshops a copy of his marriage certificate on the window of the van that his wife is using as a makeshift 'passion wagon'.

The series then follows Danny Hoyle as he goes through the break-up of his marriage, he finds out the his child is not his, the police raid his home, he finds a new love on the Internet, and eventually gets killed.

Each part of the series teaches a certain aspect of Photoshop. No other series will show you how to Photoshop an unwanted cat; and eventually stuff it in a plastic bag (and if you think that sounds really bad you will have to watch to see that it is not really that mean).

The comedy throughout the whole series will mean you may have to watch parts over and over to actually learn the Photoshop skills presented because quite often laughing too much means you'll forget. Remaining concentrated on Photoshop while 'Snatch Buckler' interrupts on Skype is pretty hard to do.

You Suck At Photoshop almost defies description; and it is better to just watch the series. And if you don't care about Photoshop watch it purely for the comedy factor.




Incidentally, anyone who arrived here hoping for in-depth Photoshop knowledge; fear not. The following four links will guide you to some of the best Photoshop tutorials on the Internet.

GavTrain - Gavin Hoey teaches Photoshop and photography. Clear, precise, interesting, and very knowledgeable.

Tip Squirrel - More Photoshop tutorials and advice than you can shake a stick at. Joined by a whole host of Photoshop gurus (including Gavin Hoey, Glyn Dewis, and Janine Smith).

Official PSDs - Thousands of PSD files for your own Photoshop compositions, tutorials, and a forum where all things Photoshop are discussed.

PSD Tuts+ - Many, many, quality Photoshop tutorials.

Peace.

Cuss Count: Zero

Legal Notice: Hoax News Network is not affiliated with any agency; news or otherwise. All links to external material are presented as is; with no warranty or guarantee implied.

Homeless Dave For President

With the announcement, last night, from Homeless Dave that he intends to start a presidential campaign; the media, celebrities, and the news are already reacting.

Michelle Obama shocked her husband, and the world, when she said at the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner: "Homeless Dave. Hell yeah. I would vote for him just so Barack has some free time to help around the house; and with the kids. Go Homeless Dave you have my vote!"

Alex Jones, of InfoWars, said: "As long as he has a full length birth certificate I don't give a damn. It is a conspiracy. The founding fathers were the Illuminati. I wish Homeless Dave all the best; but it is never going to happen. I'll be surprised if the CIA or FBI don't take him out before the day. The New World Order will not allow their plans to be disrupted."

Sarah Palin, possible Republic hopeful, said: "Homeless who? Can homeless people run for being President?"

Joe Jackson, father of the Jackson 5, said: "Homeless Dave is running for President? Good. Get that bum out of the White House and replace him with a real bum. Obama said he would hook me up once he was elected - damn cracker didn't hook up shit. Get him out of there and let me make some money. I am sure Homeless Dave will be needing a Secretary Of Fashion."

Although it has not been discussed, or announced, who will be running for Vice-President with Homeless Dave; political pundits are already making predictions.

Glenn Beck, of Fox News, stated: "It has to be Karl; he had the laptop originally. Pete is his best friend but has he made the right deals to become Vice-President material? I'm saying Karl just because of the laptop deal; Dave is not going to forget that."

Larry King, of CNN, said: "You know I have known Homeless Dave before he was homeless. He's a great guy and I'm sure he'll stand by his friend Pete. Laptops and the like will not sway him."

Homeless Dave, himself, is taking it all in his stride: "Originally it was a scam to get a free house. But I thought about it; and who knows better what the average person on the street wants? Nobody. I am on the streets 24/7. I know what concerns people have. I'm ideal for President. I'm not sitting in some ivory tower like Donald Trump. And, I have not forgotten my roots like President Obama."

With regards to his Vice President choice Dave had this to say: "It could be either Pete or Karl. Some have suggested Sheila but she has more skeletons in her past than the whole Osmond family. If I had a coin I'd flip it. At the present I am working on a slogan for my campaign. I have narrowed it down to 4 choices:

Homeless Dave - Stealing The White House.
Homeless Dave - Homeless No More.
Vote Homeless Dave - He's Cheap.
Homeless Dave - The Cheaper Asshole.

I'm not really sure which one to go with as of yet."

So the mainstream media may not keep you up to date with Homeless Dave's Presidential run but Hoax News Network will report, periodically, until Dave is in the White House.

Peace.

Cuss Count: One (Thanks Joe)

Legal Notice: Any person mentioned in this post did not take part; it is merely satire. No retards were harmed in the production of this post although it is guaranteed a yawning one will read it. HNN is not affiliated with any agency news or otherwise. No sponsorship marred the reporting in this post.

Interview With God

He is supposedly everywhere; yet nailing him down for an interview is harder than nailing his son down. But finally I caught up with God and interviewed the elusive man himself.

HNN: Before we begin God I should let you know I already sold my soul to the devil back in 1990 for a Gary Lineker, World Cup, player card.
God: I wouldn't worry about that. That was me.
HNN: What? So you are Satan; the devil?
God: Hey, I am all-knowing, all-seeing, and always around. I have to fill my time up. I'm awake 24/7. It is like insomnia on crack. I play various parts; including Satan, God, Allah, and Buddha. If you have met one of them you have already met me.
HNN: So you are God, Allah, and Buddha?
God: It keeps things interesting. As God I cover the Western world, as Buddha the Eastern, and as Allah everywhere else. When I make a mistake and God gets the blame I head to the oriental region and listen to the prayers to Buddha. That way I am always loved somewhere.
HNN: Unless you flood the world again.
God: Now hang on. You have the story from one side; Moses. Let me tell you the truth. It just wasn't that bad. It was 40 days and 40 nights - but that is all. Moses, when he wrote it down, had this idea it would have been Noah's vacation time. So he suggested it was the entire world to try and make me feel bad. But no I didn't flood the world completely; just a bit of it.
HNN: So how much of the Bible is true?
God: Not a lot of it. The first 5 books by Moses - complete bullshit most of it. He was always exaggerating. If there was 50 Egyptian soldiers he would write 5,000. Like the whole 'Don't eat the fruit' thing and Adam; Moses was pissed when he wrote that. But me and Adam were laughing our asses off; but grumpy Moses doesn't mention that bit.
HNN: Is there anything else the Bible doesn't mention?
God: Loads. Mary was no virgin let me tell you. All this talk about Jesus being my kid; it does not mention the four other guys it could have been. And if you stand me and Jesus side by side we look nothing like each other. I felt sorry him; so I looked out for him. Adam was forever bitching in my ear "Remember you do have a son - me. You never take me fishing or let me perform miracles." Whiny little bastard. Moses wrote that Adam was evicted from the garden of Eden. That is one big fucking lie. I just had enough and sent him to Child Services; I could not handle the constant questions "What is this called?", "Can I eat this?", and "Where did I come from?" Just got too much to handle.
HNN: Any important bits of the Bible true?
God: John really did have a vision; which he called a revelation. But he was high on LSD. You should read the unedited version; where do you think Disney got the idea for Fantasia? It was all in Revelation before it was edited to make sense. The fight between David and Goliath is true - well almost; Goliath was in fact only 4' 10". The crucifixion was true. I was going to stop it; but like I said he was not my kid so I didn't bother.
HNN: Any words of wisdom with regards to current events?
God: Learn from Japan. I never created nuclear energy. I can fix the problem; but what does mankind learn if I fix everything for them? I had nuclear energy for my heating once. Never ran properly. Know where it is now? It is that place you all call Hell. I went to solar power throughout the place. You know; doing my bit for the environment. I was going to smite Lindsay Lohan the other day. But just as I got ready to do it; I realized she is doing a great job without my help. Chances. She has had chances out of her ass. But does she use them wisely; and to their fullest? Does she hell. Fucking Waster! Reminds me of Jesus turning water to wine. I said to him "Hey stupid you only get 10 miracles. And you waste the first one turning water to wine? What the fuck are you thinking?" I think if it was not for the crucifixion he would of been an alcoholic.
HNN: What is with the circumcision in the Bible?
God: (laughing) That was a fucking joke. Enid said one night "Tell Abraham to cut his foreskin off." I had maybe a couple too many to drink - so I did. I sobered up the next day; I went to tell Abraham I was joking but it was too late. Not only had he done himself he had done a few more. Never did tell him it was a joke.
HNN: Any other jokes?
God: Lazarus. He never died. He just passed out from drinking. Well, his sisters claimed on the insurance. Then when he came round they had already spent it. So the whole 'Jesus waking the dead' story was created. Because the Romans would of jailed all three of them for insurance fraud. It was one of those 'had to be there' moments when the Romans came knocking.
HNN: Was Jesus married?
God: Not the whole Mary Magdalene rumor again. I thought this was over. Look, let me set the record straight once and for all. Jesus did not marry Mary Magdelene; although they did sleep together a couple of times. It is not like I was watching or anything; I'm omni-present, I see everything. And even if Mary Magdalene had kids they would be no relation to me - Jesus was not mine.
HNN: What do you think about Charlie Sheen?
God: Duh. Winning. No, no, seriously that little light is slowly dying out. He made the wrong choices. That is why I am slowly taking everything back until he has nothing. He had his chance and he blew it. He's like Lindsay Lohan but with trousers.
HNN: What is with the Westboro Baptist Church?
God: They are all inbred retards. Look it is one family; the Phelps. All inbred. All fucked in the head. They keep on about God hates this and God hates that. I'll tell you right now there is two things God hates - The Westboro Baptist Church and the Phelps family. I put these inbred hicks in a country where anyone who can sign their own name, or make a mark, can own a gun. I thought it would be over with for them by now. I gave the Phelps family freedom of speech, but I say this to them "Fuck up already. Nobody wants you, nobody likes you, and you are giving me a bad name. Just keep pissing people off; because one day some asshole with a gun is going to go postal and open fire on one of your dumb protests. And if you think the police are going to stop them, or help, remember the military funerals you fucked with. You are living on borrowed time."
HNN: Any chance of this weeks winning lottery numbers?
God: Do I look like some carnival freak mystic?
HNN: You don't know them.
God: Yes I do. 2, 9, 14, 22, and 28.
HNN: Thanks.
God: Shit! Caught out again.
HNN: So when is Armageddon?
God: Read the Bible. It says "No man knoweth the day or the hour." Actually that was put in because I couldn't decide on a date. Originally a date was meant to be put in there. But by the time it went to press I still had not decided. So it was left as a guessing game really. Who knows tomorrow I might just say fuck it and have Armageddon.
HNN: Anything that should have been in the Bible but wasn't?
God: Only a couple of people know this. Before Adam there was Aaron. Well, I made him before the garden of Eden. To cut a long story short I didn't see him when I made that tree which was why I was keeping Adam and Eve away from it. Aaron is buried underneath it. Was never sure how to break it to Adam his older brother was under the tree; so I didn't. Then I had Moses just forget to put that bit in the Bible. Another thing not in the Bible - my wife; Mrs God. You really think I created all of this? Clearly you can see a woman's touch around the place. But she did not want to take credit; and like she said at the time I did most of the work.
HNN: So there is a Mrs God?
God: Of Course. You don't believe that whole 'Adam from the ground' shit do you? Wait until I tell Enid that one. She will laugh; she always does. I remember once we were in the garden of Eden and Adam was still young. Well Enid, Mrs God, picked up a handful of soil and threw it at Adam and said "Here, play with your new brother." I about pissed myself that day.
HNN: Mrs God likes a good joke also then?
God: Oh yes. Never one to miss a joke my Enid. Jonah and the whale - that was her idea. I was suggesting a pig or a cow and Enid said "Let the bastard be eaten by a whale." Well we both burst out laughing. But that is what it ended up as. I'll do anything for my Enid. Well I'm needed in China so I better go. Someone is praying to Buddha and if I'm not there Enid, bless her, will take a message. And she is forever getting them wrong. How do think Justin Bieber got a career? Anyway I am out of here.
HNN: One last question. Do you really answer prayers?
God: Yeah. If your prayer is pulled out of the hat. I try to pick a few a day so people remember I am about. Just luck of the draw. Does not matter if you ask for world peace or a new sports car. You have the same chance.

Well, there you have it. God as only God can be.

Peace.

Cuss Count: Not Too Bad

Legal Notice: This post does not intentionally commit blasphemy and is posted as a satirical post. HNN is not in any way affiliated with God, Allah, Buddha. Nor is HNN affiliated with any news agency. No sponsorship has tarnished the opinion of this post.

Easter - The Hoax

Jesus gets tried by Pilate who finds Jesus innocent of all charges. Jesus, for being innocent gets crucified and thrown in a cave for 3 days - well actually 2 as he was gone by Sunday morning.

So, the Romans who basically introduced a legal system to the world allowed an innocent man to be crucified. Hardly seems fair.

But is it all just one big pile of lies?

Pilate, part of the all-conquering Roman Empire, has to give in to a few local religious leaders. Doesn't really sound right. He could of just said "Throw a few of the Jews in with the Christians tonight give the lions a treat." and Jesus would have been away and spreading his happy message.

At the crucifixion there is no mention of Joseph. Alright, we know he was not the biological father of Jesus but he was basically his stepfather. But can he take a day off from cutting wood while his stepson is crucified? No. No mention of him. Maybe he built the crucifix; and was feeling guilty about it and that is why he didn't show up.

You can almost imagine the conversation:

Pilate: Hey Joseph want to build a crucifix?
Joseph: Umm this wouldn't be the one for Jesus would it?
Pilate: Well. Umm. Well. Yes it is. Does that matter?
Joseph: You know he is my stepson right?
Pilate: That is why I came to you. Make sure he gets a good one.
Joseph: You sick bastard.
Pilate: No. Hear me out. I just thought instead of one of those cheap Roman crucifixes you would make a nice one for him.
Joseph: It's Friday.
Pilate: I'll pay for the overtime.
Joseph. Well, seems you put it like that. Economy the way it is I cannot afford to turn down work.
Pilate: Exactly. And if you didn't make it someone else would.
Joseph: No point me giving business to my competitors.
Pilate: OK. Well get on with it I've already washed my hands of the matter.
Joseph: Be right on it governor. Have it there for 11.
Pilate: Good. Don't feel so bad. In years to come this will be great advertising. Joseph - Carpenter To The Messiah.
Joseph: Enough talking I got work to do.
Pilate: So Eleven at the Roman palace.
Joseph: Don't you want me to deliver it to Golgotha?
Pilate: No, Jesus can carry it. I've heard about your delivery charges.
Joseph: You crafty bastard. I like your style.

Anyway back to the crucifixion. It's Friday and the guards want to get off early, so to make the criminals die a bit quicker they decide to break their legs. Jesus hears this and pretends to be dead. Guards think Jesus is dead and save themselves a couple of minutes and decide not to waste time breaking his legs.

Then, lo and behold, some guy never mentioned before asks Pilate if he can have the body. Pilate, not wanting to mess with some crazy psycho who collects dead bodies just agrees.

Then this crazy psycho decides to put Jesus in a cave. But some clever bastard did not want this dead person to escape. Makes you wonder, maybe, just maybe, someone knew it was a sham and that Jesus was really alive. Well just in case he wasn't dead they decided to put a big rock in front of the cave to make sure he didn't escape.

Now, I'm guessing as it was Sunday when it was noticed Jesus had disappeared, faster than Jermaine Jackson when the Child Support payment is due, that the Roman Forensics team had the day off. Because I have a theory how Jesus escaped from the cave.

When he was taken down, and removed, from the cross he somehow managed to palm one of the big nails - nothing any magician who tricked people into thinking water was wine could not do. Thus when he was put in the cave he used that nail to slowly dig a rut to one side of the rock. By Sunday morning he'd dug away enough sand that with just a little motion the rock rolled out of the way; thanks to the rut Jesus had dug.

This is why Christians, who are somehow in the know, celebrate Easter with an egg instead of a rock - because they know it is all lies. And the egg in their mouth stops them from telling what they know. And by Monday nobody is asking anymore.

Peace.

Cuss Count: Zero (It Is Easter)

Legal Notice: There is no record that Pilate and Joseph discussed the crucifixion. This post is meant as an alternative, satirical, look at Easter. No blasphemy is intended or implied. HNN is not affiliated with any news agency, religious organization, or advertising.

Jermaine Tweets Life Not Death

OK I know I'm blocked by the greased wonder but today he tweeted some stuff worth mentioning.

"Mother is also guided by private discussions with Michael. Trust me, a mother knows her son...better than anyone (inc executors)"

So does it mean Michael is alive? It came from Jermaine, who was the only Jackson to deny that Marlon used a Twitter account, so who knows.

But as Katherine Jackson is a Jehovah Witness she doesn't talk to the dead.

Jehovah Witnesses believe that when someone dies "the dead are not conscious of anything they are like in a deep sleep. They can not see or hear or move or talk and that no part of us lives on. So Jehovah's witnesses do not believe in life after death.Until Jehovah through his son Jesus will one day bring this earth back to his original purpose of a paradise, when he will also bring back all those who have died to life in that new paradise earth."

Even the official Jehovah Witness website covers the subject:

False religion has left many confused as to the whereabouts and condition of the dead. Heaven, hell, purgatory, Limbo—these and various other destinations range from being incomprehensible to being downright terrifying. The Bible, on the other hand, tells us that the dead are unconscious; they are in a condition best compared to sleep. (Ecclesiastes 9:5,10; John 11:11-14) Thus, we need not worry about what happens to us after death, any more than we worry when we see someone sleeping soundly. Jesus spoke of a time when "all those in the memorial tombs" would "come out" to renewed life on a paradise earth. (John 5:28, 29; Luke 23:43)

Wikipedia states:

Jehovah's Witnesses believe death is a state of non-existence with no consciousness. There is no Hell of fiery torment; Hades and Sheol are understood to refer to the condition of death, termed the common grave. Jehovah's Witnesses consider the soul to be a life or a living body that can die. Their hope for life after death involves being resurrected by God to a cleansed earth after Armageddon. Watch Tower Society publications teach that humanity is in a sinful state, from which release is only possible by means of Jesus' shed blood as a payment, or atonement, for the sins of humankind.

So if Katherine is truly having "private discussions" with Michael Jackson - there is no way he can be dead.

Peace

Cuss Count: Zero

Legal Notice: I have no religious belief. The opinions in this post are from the official Jehovah Witness website and Wikipedia. Non believers chew on that.

Biggest Hoax In The World

Did Michael Jackson fake his death? Did Elvis fake his death? Is Jim Morrison alive and well? Is Tupac happily living the gangster life somewhere? All these hoaxes and conspiracies pale into insignificance when you look at the biggest hoax ever pulled off - Christianity; more to the point the Bible that Christians use.

Since the beginning of time the Bible has been edited, translated, and rewritten to meet specific ideals. And that dusty old book sat on your bookshelf is not even the full Bible; it is just the bits left that basically don't upset the apple cart of Christianity.

The Bible is left with 66 books; 39 in the Old Testament and 27 in the New Testament. And what you are left with is a nice story from the creation - going through a rough time - Jesus dying for mankind - until Armageddon and being judged and all the good Christians going to Heaven.

The Books are: Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, Joshua, Judges, Ruth, 1 and 2 Samuel, 1 and 2 Kings, 1 and 2 Chronicles, Ezra, Nehemiah, Esther, Job, Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, Song of Solomon, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Lamentations, Ezekiel, Daniel, Hosea, Joel, Amos, Obadiah, Jonah, Micah, Nahum, Habakkuk, Zephaniah, Haggai, Zechariah, Malachi for the Old Testament.

The books are: Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Acts, Romans, 1 and 2 Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, 1 and 2 Thessalonians, 1 and 2 Timothy, Titus, Philemon, Hebrews, James, 1 and 2 Peter, 1, 2 and 3 John, Jude, Revelation for the New Testament.

But head back a few years, well actually many years, to 1884 when the King James Bible still had what is known as the 'Apocryphal Books' in it; they were removed from the King James Version in 1885. These 15 books were 'canonized' back in 1546 at the Council Of Trent. So they spent 339 years as official books of the Bible; and so far only 126 years removed from the Bible. The fifteen books are: Wisdom of Solomon, Ecclesiasticus, Tobit, 1 Esdras, 1 and 2 Maccabees, Judith, Baruch, Letter of Jeremiah, 2 Esdras, Additions to Esther, Prayer of Azariah, Suzanna, Bel & the Dragon, and Prayer of Manasseh.

That is just the beginning. 15 books that were part of the Bible removed by man; which considering all scripture is meant to be inspired by God who gave man the authority to remove it?

Then we have the other so-called "Lost Books" of the Bible. These books are even referenced to in the remaining 66 books.

Book Of Jasher - Joshua 10:13
Book Of The Wars Of The Lord - Numbers 21:14
A Book Of Songs - 1 Kings 8:12-13
Chronicles Of The Kings Of Israel - 1 Kings 14:19
Book Of Shemaiah - 2 Chronicles 9:29
Manner Of The Kingdom - 1 Samuel 10:25
Acts Of Solomon - 1 Kings 11:41
Annals Of King David - 1 Chronicles 27:24
Book Of Samuel The Seer - 1 Chronicles 29:29
Book Of Nathan The Prophet - 2 Chronicles 9:29
Book Of Gad The Seer - 1 Chronicles 29:29
Prophecy Of Ahijah - 2 Chronicles 29:29
Book Of The Kings Of Judah And Israel - 2 Chronicles 16:11
Book Of Jehu - 2 Chronicles 20:34
Story Of The Book Of Kings - 2 Chronicles 24:27
Acts Of Uziah - 2 Chronicles 26:22
Vision Of Isaiah - 2 Chronicles 32:32
Sayings Of The Seers - 2 Chronicles 33:19

Eighteen books referenced in the Bible. The first thing that religious scholars pick at is that these books are not as well written as the standard 66 books of the Bible. But the Bible that all these scholars refer to have been translated from Ancient Hebrew and Greek; and refined time and time again. If these 18 books had been refined as much as the 66 books of the Bible then they would appear just as well written.

So take the books of the Apocrypha and the books referenced in the Bible (by books in the 'standard' 66) and you have 33 more books - which means thanks to man, and various religious organizations, there is the possibility of missing out on one-third of the Bible.

But this all is based on the Bible being a religious book. There is no foundation, other than the Bible itself, that it is nothing more than a work of fiction.

And the 33 new books are just scratching the surface of what exists as possible religious texts.

Adam and Eve get evicted from the Garden of Eden and in the Bible the next mention is they are having children. But the Book of Adam and Eve, considered a lost book, explains in detail Adam and Eve's life right after the Garden of Eden.

And the Bible itself misses a great big chunk of time. The Old Testament ends at approximately 430 BC. And the New Testament starts at approximately 3 BC. Over 400 years missing - is it meant to be believed that nothing happened with regards to the early lives of the god-fearing people. And what happened to Jesus growing up? No mention of it in the Bible. He was born in the stable and all of a sudden he is preaching in the synagogues.

And if you look at all the books that were written at the same time as the Bible which concern events of people in the Bible the list numbers over 500 books. So out of a possible 566 books 66 were chosen by man; and various religions.

So is the Bible inspired by God? Who knows. But what is known is that a lot more happened than is said in the Bible. And of what is written the possibility exists that more than 66 books were inspired by God.

More details can be found at:

The Lost Books - Where most of the texts can be read for FREE online.

Peace.

Cuss Count: None

Legal Notice: No religious blasphemy is intended as this post is merely stating an opinion. This post, and HNN, is not affiliated with any news agency or sponsor.

@Homeless_Dave

It had to happen. Dave Locke, known to millions simply as Homeless Dave, found his way to Twitter. I caught up with Homeless Dave to find out why, and how, he decided to make his way to Twitter.

HNN: Hi Dave.
Dave: Hi.
HNN: You made your way to Twitter. I suppose the first question has to be why?
Dave: Well, I have been reading Twitter now for almost 2 years at the library. But them bastards stop you from signing in so I was never able to create an account. Then the other day I got a Tracfone as part of some government scheme to help the homeless find work. I had it a couple of days then realized I could get on the Internet with it. So I signed up for Twitter.
HNN: I see. So what pearls of wisdom can people who follow you on Twitter expect?
Dave: No pearls of wisdom. Just my life; and how I see things. I noticed a lot of people follow celebrities to see what they have to say; and I thought to myself "fuck that" they can can all follow me and receive a slice of reality pie for their troubles.
HNN: I know you have followed the Michael Jackson hoax death. Will that appear in your time line?
Dave: Its not a hoax. Well it is; but it has been turned into a fucking joke. I look at some of the time lines on Twitter and you have dumbasses tweeting to three different Michael Jacksons. I mean seriously, if you are crazy enough to think you are talking to Michael Jackson on Twitter at least keep it to just one. Some of these people need help. A lot of them remind me of Sheila. She has a one-person cardboard box; but if you talk to her she says there is 20 people living in that box. Crazy cow needs to get out a bit more.
HNN: So you don't think Michael Jackson is on Twitter?
Dave: Is he bollocks. And these people need to stop with the movie clues too. Just because Jim Carrey took a shit in Ace Ventura while wearing a fedora does not make it a clue. Karl and me were watching Stuart Little in Walmart last week and I said to him "White mouse; close enough to a white rabbit. Keep your eyes peeled for hoax clues." He didn't see any - mainly because he is a Meth addict and had passed out after 5 minutes. But not everything is a clue is what I'm trying to say.
HNN: You must think that there are some clues?
Dave: No. I'm on the streets 24/7 except when I'm at the library or stealing at Walmart. Michael Jackson was worth millions, the guy was practically shitting gold bars, he isn't going to fake his death and leave a trail of clues so someone on Twitter can find him. You would have more luck hanging out at the corner of 4th and Roosevelt; and hoping he walks by.
HNN: What do you think of the Jackson family?
Dave: I'll keep it short for you. Katherine, a lovely woman, she could be my Mom any day. Joe; miserable fucker unless he is conning someone out of cash. Tito needs to come down off the roof and meet people. Janet, nice enough, although one of her bodyguards did push me out the way once. The others I could take or leave; except that greasy Jermaine. Ever since June 2009 he has done nothing but try to make money off of the name Michael Jackson.
HNN: Speaking of Jermaine - what do you think about the Marlon Jackson Twitter account?
Dave: To be honest I don't think about it. Marlon has brothers, sisters, nephews, and nieces all over Twitter and the only one to say anything is Jermaine. I got 3 words for him "Fuck off Jermaine" and while he is at it he can pay his child support and treat his wife better. I bet he beat her to make her tweet in agreement with him - too much like his dad.
HNN: Anything else caught your eye on Twitter?
Dave: Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan. Coke head and Skank as they are referred to on the streets. He loses a nice little earner from that show; he looks like he some muscle wasting disease and he is winning? As for Lohan, she has had enough chances. Time to lock her up and throw the fucking key away.
HNN: What is your take on the government nearly shutting down?
Dave: Fire the lot of them. Useless assholes couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery. We owe China trillions. I say they have a vested interest in all of this. Fire Obama and all the other idiots and let China run the country. Either that or give China Texas and call it evens. I know cuts have to be made but theses dumbasses want to cut education. Are they really that fucking stupid? When these politicians are retired, and living that final years in Florida, it will be their fault that someone like Al Bundy will be president.
HNN: Speaking of presidents - what do you think about Donald Trump saying Barack Obama was not born in the United States?
Dave: Who fucking cares where he was born. He was voted in to make change. He just hasn't done that. After 2012 he will be flipping burgers at McDonalds. I don't care if he was born in Kenya, Hawaii, or Canada. He hasn't done fuck all for me. But I'll tell you this for free - if he gets voted in again I'll move to fucking Kenya.
HNN: Now you are on Twitter do you expect to be getting a home soon?
Dave: What the fuck sort of question is that? Just because I put a sentence of 140 characters together does not mean I'll instantly get a home.
HNN: I meant with the Internet and social media finding a job would be easier; and then in turn you could get a house.
Dave: I unplug the pony outside Walmart to charge my Tracfone. If I find a cardboard box with Styrofoam in it I feel like I'm living at the Hilton Hotel. Who the fuck in their right mind is going to employ me?
HNN: Walmart or McDonalds.
Dave: Fuck Walmart. If I wasn't stealing from their store I would never go in there. They hire the mentally handicapped. I was in there once, and asked one of the employees where the restrooms were. Fucker just drooled for 30 seconds and then went into some seizure. I pocketed a couple of things and got the hell out of there.
HNN: Dave; any family that could help you out?
Dave: My parents were killed in the 9/11 attacks. They weren't really but keep that to yourself as I am trying to get a settlement from an insurance company. I have a brother. But he moved to Canada or Cambodia; I'm not sure which.
HNN: But you have friends though?
Dave: There is me, Karl, Pete, and Sheila all live in the same alley. We have a neighborhood watch scheme going on - first one to fall asleep loses anything of value.
HNN: So it is pretty rough on the streets?
Dave: Not really. We just like stealing from each other. Te other night Pete was drinking paint thinner. He passed out and Karl stole all his clothes. Poor bastard woke up covered in snow. We fucking laughed at that.
HNN: Dave, as always, it has been a pleasure.
Dave: Am I getting paid for this?
HNN: No.
Dave: Tight bastard.
HNN: You can finish my coffee.
Dave: Deal.

So if you want to know what is happening with Dave and his homeless neighbors he can be found on Twitter - @Homeless_Dave.

Peace.

Cuss Count: High

Legal Notice: No homeless people were harmed in the production of this post. HNN is not affiliated with, or sponsored by, anyone.