Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Police Brutality

When is the world going to wake up to these bullies in blue?

Before everyone says it is not all police - it is. They may not be the ones doing the actual beatings but they are the ones allowing cowards to hide behind the badge that they represent.

Search Google, or Youtube, for the term "Police Brutality" and you will find countless cases, and videos, which show police from various countries beating on the innocent.

Supposedly the main stay of law in almost every land is "Innocent until proven guilty" yet the police, who are out of control are classing anyone that they feel like as "Guilty" and acting like judge, jury, and in some cases the executioner.

And why is nothing being done? Because we are all raised to believe that the police are the good guys. Sorry, but that idea is complete bullshit. The good guys don't beat innocent people, the good guys don't taser 14 year old girls, the good guys don't kick a man already bleeding to death.

Corrupt police persons paint a target on every single cop's back. And for the police persons that are not corrupt you ensure that target gets bigger and bigger each day.

That is a quote from the Boondock Saints movie, where Father Monsignor is talking about the Kitty Genovese story to a packed congregation; and he says:

"Now, we must all fear evil men. But there is another kind of evil which we must fear most, and that is the indifference of good men."


Cuss Count: Not too Bad

Legal Notice: Nobody mentioned in this post endorses the overall tone of the post. This post is a response to the lack of accountability in 'police brutality' cases which have gone unpunished for too long.

Saturday, June 11, 2011


Back in the nineties Snow sang Informer. If only he had known about the Michael Jackson death hoax that was going to happen in 2009 he would of made it Informers; and had the Michael Jackson hoax death anthem.

Yet another crazy, unstable, person has made it on the scene to say when Michael will be back. But this one came out of the closet dressed in their Grandma's clothes attacking Twitter user @TheIllusion777; yet another informer.

The newest of informers, at the time of writing as it seems a new one arrives almost hourly, is a Twitter user going under the ID of @TheMJInformer.

As if the hoax hasn't had enough to contend with - with the Michael Jackson fans fighting amongst each other - now the so-called informers are going to start vying to be the most trusted informer.

But before following one of these crack addicts think about this one question. If Michael Jackson hoaxed his death on International television would he want some unknown, random, Twitter account to announce the comeback of all time?

And for those that care - @TheIllusion says the return will be July 13, 2011; Although they have already tweeted that it may not happen and just merely join the other canceled Bamsdays. @TheMJInformer has not set a date; but they have only been on Twitter for a short time so give them chance and I'm sure they will be plucking dates out of their ass like the rest of the informers that have come and gone.


Cuss Count: Zero

Legal Notice: None - although HNN is not affiliated with any real news agency; just in case someone thinks it is.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Where Is MJ?

Guest Report By: MJHDC

Seriously? You have to be fucking kidding? What butt-munching fucktard decided that Michael Jackson would reveal his location with some 2nd rate website?

George Santayana said: "Those who cannot remember the past, are condemned to repeat it." and how right he fucking was.

Let us take a little tour down 'Hoax History Lane':

First stop. Joke Calms China gave some fucked up cryptic clues that Michael was in Germany. As soon as enough idiots had fallen for this joke a Myspace account was created. Surprisingly enough no proof or evidence that Michael Jackson was ever in Germany.

Second stop. The infamous Leahicm video; which came with the story that Michael had been in coma and was now on some security footage. Surprisingly enough that bullshit turned out to be bullshit also.

Third stop. InMySmallPaddedCell (actually InMySmallWay) turned up with some photos of Neverland which was proof that Michael Jackson was hiding out there. No he wasn't in any of the photos and no there was no proof. Yet again more bullshit.

Final stop. Some 2nd rate website ( turns up saying Michael Jackson is on some little island in the middle of fucking nowhere. Yet again no proof of this claim. Yet more bullshit.

Do hoaxers, believers, investigators really think that Michael Jackson faked his death on international TV so he could have some fucktard announce his return on the Internet? Kind of fucks Bamsday right up the ass.

MJ: I'm back.
Person: Yeah and?
MJ: But I'm here.
Person: Yeah OK. But who cares?
MJ: What?
Person: We knew where you were. When you came back it was like you was returning from a vacation.
MJ: But this is Bamsday.
Person: If you say so.
MJ: Are you excited?
Person: Not really. Once the informer announced where you were, and TMZ started doing daily updates on your activities  it kind of ruined Bamsday for me.
MJ: Oh I see. Well I'll be off then.
Person: OK. Take care.
MJ: Fuck. Never should of revealed my whereabouts on the Internet.

I could say Michael Jackson is alive and well; and living in my basement. I have no proof of this but as the hoax has proven time and time again proof is not needed. And for those wondering - He is not really in my basement. There would be no room for him with the pile of dead bodies.

If you really think some shitty website is going to tell you where Michael Jackson is; then keep taking your medications. Just before you overdose your fucktard ass - stick a pin in an atlas and see where he will be next week.

Newsflash: Michael Jackson is on Twitter. He is also on Facebook. You want to know where he is why not just ask him; or one of the hundreds of fake MJs and informers?


Cuss Count: High

Legal Notice: MJHDC was not paid for his opinion. Hoax News Network is not affiliated with any real news agency.

Monday, May 23, 2011

You Suck At Photoshop

Well, actually, according to Donnie Hoyle who presents the series everyone except him sucks at Photoshop. You Suck At Photoshop is a series of 20 videos, available on Youtube, which aims to teach various aspects of Photoshop.

What makes the series of videos, unique and, stand out from the millions of Photoshop tutorials available on Youtube? The way it is presented.

The 20 part series introduces Donnie Hoyle who uses Photoshop to to tell you all about his life as it happens. Part 1 starts with the fact that the wife of Donny Hoyle has been cheating on him. So he Photoshops a copy of his marriage certificate on the window of the van that his wife is using as a makeshift 'passion wagon'.

The series then follows Danny Hoyle as he goes through the break-up of his marriage, he finds out the his child is not his, the police raid his home, he finds a new love on the Internet, and eventually gets killed.

Each part of the series teaches a certain aspect of Photoshop. No other series will show you how to Photoshop an unwanted cat; and eventually stuff it in a plastic bag (and if you think that sounds really bad you will have to watch to see that it is not really that mean).

The comedy throughout the whole series will mean you may have to watch parts over and over to actually learn the Photoshop skills presented because quite often laughing too much means you'll forget. Remaining concentrated on Photoshop while 'Snatch Buckler' interrupts on Skype is pretty hard to do.

You Suck At Photoshop almost defies description; and it is better to just watch the series. And if you don't care about Photoshop watch it purely for the comedy factor.

Incidentally, anyone who arrived here hoping for in-depth Photoshop knowledge; fear not. The following four links will guide you to some of the best Photoshop tutorials on the Internet.

GavTrain - Gavin Hoey teaches Photoshop and photography. Clear, precise, interesting, and very knowledgeable.

Tip Squirrel - More Photoshop tutorials and advice than you can shake a stick at. Joined by a whole host of Photoshop gurus (including Gavin Hoey, Glyn Dewis, and Janine Smith).

Official PSDs - Thousands of PSD files for your own Photoshop compositions, tutorials, and a forum where all things Photoshop are discussed.

PSD Tuts+ - Many, many, quality Photoshop tutorials.


Cuss Count: Zero

Legal Notice: Hoax News Network is not affiliated with any agency; news or otherwise. All links to external material are presented as is; with no warranty or guarantee implied.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Homeless Dave For President

With the announcement, last night, from Homeless Dave that he intends to start a presidential campaign; the media, celebrities, and the news are already reacting.

Michelle Obama shocked her husband, and the world, when she said at the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner: "Homeless Dave. Hell yeah. I would vote for him just so Barack has some free time to help around the house; and with the kids. Go Homeless Dave you have my vote!"

Alex Jones, of InfoWars, said: "As long as he has a full length birth certificate I don't give a damn. It is a conspiracy. The founding fathers were the Illuminati. I wish Homeless Dave all the best; but it is never going to happen. I'll be surprised if the CIA or FBI don't take him out before the day. The New World Order will not allow their plans to be disrupted."

Sarah Palin, possible Republic hopeful, said: "Homeless who? Can homeless people run for being President?"

Joe Jackson, father of the Jackson 5, said: "Homeless Dave is running for President? Good. Get that bum out of the White House and replace him with a real bum. Obama said he would hook me up once he was elected - damn cracker didn't hook up shit. Get him out of there and let me make some money. I am sure Homeless Dave will be needing a Secretary Of Fashion."

Although it has not been discussed, or announced, who will be running for Vice-President with Homeless Dave; political pundits are already making predictions.

Glenn Beck, of Fox News, stated: "It has to be Karl; he had the laptop originally. Pete is his best friend but has he made the right deals to become Vice-President material? I'm saying Karl just because of the laptop deal; Dave is not going to forget that."

Larry King, of CNN, said: "You know I have known Homeless Dave before he was homeless. He's a great guy and I'm sure he'll stand by his friend Pete. Laptops and the like will not sway him."

Homeless Dave, himself, is taking it all in his stride: "Originally it was a scam to get a free house. But I thought about it; and who knows better what the average person on the street wants? Nobody. I am on the streets 24/7. I know what concerns people have. I'm ideal for President. I'm not sitting in some ivory tower like Donald Trump. And, I have not forgotten my roots like President Obama."

With regards to his Vice President choice Dave had this to say: "It could be either Pete or Karl. Some have suggested Sheila but she has more skeletons in her past than the whole Osmond family. If I had a coin I'd flip it. At the present I am working on a slogan for my campaign. I have narrowed it down to 4 choices:

Homeless Dave - Stealing The White House.
Homeless Dave - Homeless No More.
Vote Homeless Dave - He's Cheap.
Homeless Dave - The Cheaper Asshole.

I'm not really sure which one to go with as of yet."

So the mainstream media may not keep you up to date with Homeless Dave's Presidential run but Hoax News Network will report, periodically, until Dave is in the White House.


Cuss Count: One (Thanks Joe)

Legal Notice: Any person mentioned in this post did not take part; it is merely satire. No retards were harmed in the production of this post although it is guaranteed a yawning one will read it. HNN is not affiliated with any agency news or otherwise. No sponsorship marred the reporting in this post.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Interview With God

He is supposedly everywhere; yet nailing him down for an interview is harder than nailing his son down. But finally I caught up with God and interviewed the elusive man himself.

HNN: Before we begin God I should let you know I already sold my soul to the devil back in 1990 for a Gary Lineker, World Cup, player card.
God: I wouldn't worry about that. That was me.
HNN: What? So you are Satan; the devil?
God: Hey, I am all-knowing, all-seeing, and always around. I have to fill my time up. I'm awake 24/7. It is like insomnia on crack. I play various parts; including Satan, God, Allah, and Buddha. If you have met one of them you have already met me.
HNN: So you are God, Allah, and Buddha?
God: It keeps things interesting. As God I cover the Western world, as Buddha the Eastern, and as Allah everywhere else. When I make a mistake and God gets the blame I head to the oriental region and listen to the prayers to Buddha. That way I am always loved somewhere.
HNN: Unless you flood the world again.
God: Now hang on. You have the story from one side; Moses. Let me tell you the truth. It just wasn't that bad. It was 40 days and 40 nights - but that is all. Moses, when he wrote it down, had this idea it would have been Noah's vacation time. So he suggested it was the entire world to try and make me feel bad. But no I didn't flood the world completely; just a bit of it.
HNN: So how much of the Bible is true?
God: Not a lot of it. The first 5 books by Moses - complete bullshit most of it. He was always exaggerating. If there was 50 Egyptian soldiers he would write 5,000. Like the whole 'Don't eat the fruit' thing and Adam; Moses was pissed when he wrote that. But me and Adam were laughing our asses off; but grumpy Moses doesn't mention that bit.
HNN: Is there anything else the Bible doesn't mention?
God: Loads. Mary was no virgin let me tell you. All this talk about Jesus being my kid; it does not mention the four other guys it could have been. And if you stand me and Jesus side by side we look nothing like each other. I felt sorry him; so I looked out for him. Adam was forever bitching in my ear "Remember you do have a son - me. You never take me fishing or let me perform miracles." Whiny little bastard. Moses wrote that Adam was evicted from the garden of Eden. That is one big fucking lie. I just had enough and sent him to Child Services; I could not handle the constant questions "What is this called?", "Can I eat this?", and "Where did I come from?" Just got too much to handle.
HNN: Any important bits of the Bible true?
God: John really did have a vision; which he called a revelation. But he was high on LSD. You should read the unedited version; where do you think Disney got the idea for Fantasia? It was all in Revelation before it was edited to make sense. The fight between David and Goliath is true - well almost; Goliath was in fact only 4' 10". The crucifixion was true. I was going to stop it; but like I said he was not my kid so I didn't bother.
HNN: Any words of wisdom with regards to current events?
God: Learn from Japan. I never created nuclear energy. I can fix the problem; but what does mankind learn if I fix everything for them? I had nuclear energy for my heating once. Never ran properly. Know where it is now? It is that place you all call Hell. I went to solar power throughout the place. You know; doing my bit for the environment. I was going to smite Lindsay Lohan the other day. But just as I got ready to do it; I realized she is doing a great job without my help. Chances. She has had chances out of her ass. But does she use them wisely; and to their fullest? Does she hell. Fucking Waster! Reminds me of Jesus turning water to wine. I said to him "Hey stupid you only get 10 miracles. And you waste the first one turning water to wine? What the fuck are you thinking?" I think if it was not for the crucifixion he would of been an alcoholic.
HNN: What is with the circumcision in the Bible?
God: (laughing) That was a fucking joke. Enid said one night "Tell Abraham to cut his foreskin off." I had maybe a couple too many to drink - so I did. I sobered up the next day; I went to tell Abraham I was joking but it was too late. Not only had he done himself he had done a few more. Never did tell him it was a joke.
HNN: Any other jokes?
God: Lazarus. He never died. He just passed out from drinking. Well, his sisters claimed on the insurance. Then when he came round they had already spent it. So the whole 'Jesus waking the dead' story was created. Because the Romans would of jailed all three of them for insurance fraud. It was one of those 'had to be there' moments when the Romans came knocking.
HNN: Was Jesus married?
God: Not the whole Mary Magdalene rumor again. I thought this was over. Look, let me set the record straight once and for all. Jesus did not marry Mary Magdelene; although they did sleep together a couple of times. It is not like I was watching or anything; I'm omni-present, I see everything. And even if Mary Magdalene had kids they would be no relation to me - Jesus was not mine.
HNN: What do you think about Charlie Sheen?
God: Duh. Winning. No, no, seriously that little light is slowly dying out. He made the wrong choices. That is why I am slowly taking everything back until he has nothing. He had his chance and he blew it. He's like Lindsay Lohan but with trousers.
HNN: What is with the Westboro Baptist Church?
God: They are all inbred retards. Look it is one family; the Phelps. All inbred. All fucked in the head. They keep on about God hates this and God hates that. I'll tell you right now there is two things God hates - The Westboro Baptist Church and the Phelps family. I put these inbred hicks in a country where anyone who can sign their own name, or make a mark, can own a gun. I thought it would be over with for them by now. I gave the Phelps family freedom of speech, but I say this to them "Fuck up already. Nobody wants you, nobody likes you, and you are giving me a bad name. Just keep pissing people off; because one day some asshole with a gun is going to go postal and open fire on one of your dumb protests. And if you think the police are going to stop them, or help, remember the military funerals you fucked with. You are living on borrowed time."
HNN: Any chance of this weeks winning lottery numbers?
God: Do I look like some carnival freak mystic?
HNN: You don't know them.
God: Yes I do. 2, 9, 14, 22, and 28.
HNN: Thanks.
God: Shit! Caught out again.
HNN: So when is Armageddon?
God: Read the Bible. It says "No man knoweth the day or the hour." Actually that was put in because I couldn't decide on a date. Originally a date was meant to be put in there. But by the time it went to press I still had not decided. So it was left as a guessing game really. Who knows tomorrow I might just say fuck it and have Armageddon.
HNN: Anything that should have been in the Bible but wasn't?
God: Only a couple of people know this. Before Adam there was Aaron. Well, I made him before the garden of Eden. To cut a long story short I didn't see him when I made that tree which was why I was keeping Adam and Eve away from it. Aaron is buried underneath it. Was never sure how to break it to Adam his older brother was under the tree; so I didn't. Then I had Moses just forget to put that bit in the Bible. Another thing not in the Bible - my wife; Mrs God. You really think I created all of this? Clearly you can see a woman's touch around the place. But she did not want to take credit; and like she said at the time I did most of the work.
HNN: So there is a Mrs God?
God: Of Course. You don't believe that whole 'Adam from the ground' shit do you? Wait until I tell Enid that one. She will laugh; she always does. I remember once we were in the garden of Eden and Adam was still young. Well Enid, Mrs God, picked up a handful of soil and threw it at Adam and said "Here, play with your new brother." I about pissed myself that day.
HNN: Mrs God likes a good joke also then?
God: Oh yes. Never one to miss a joke my Enid. Jonah and the whale - that was her idea. I was suggesting a pig or a cow and Enid said "Let the bastard be eaten by a whale." Well we both burst out laughing. But that is what it ended up as. I'll do anything for my Enid. Well I'm needed in China so I better go. Someone is praying to Buddha and if I'm not there Enid, bless her, will take a message. And she is forever getting them wrong. How do think Justin Bieber got a career? Anyway I am out of here.
HNN: One last question. Do you really answer prayers?
God: Yeah. If your prayer is pulled out of the hat. I try to pick a few a day so people remember I am about. Just luck of the draw. Does not matter if you ask for world peace or a new sports car. You have the same chance.

Well, there you have it. God as only God can be.


Cuss Count: Not Too Bad

Legal Notice: This post does not intentionally commit blasphemy and is posted as a satirical post. HNN is not in any way affiliated with God, Allah, Buddha. Nor is HNN affiliated with any news agency. No sponsorship has tarnished the opinion of this post.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Easter - The Hoax

Jesus gets tried by Pilate who finds Jesus innocent of all charges. Jesus, for being innocent gets crucified and thrown in a cave for 3 days - well actually 2 as he was gone by Sunday morning.

So, the Romans who basically introduced a legal system to the world allowed an innocent man to be crucified. Hardly seems fair.

But is it all just one big pile of lies?

Pilate, part of the all-conquering Roman Empire, has to give in to a few local religious leaders. Doesn't really sound right. He could of just said "Throw a few of the Jews in with the Christians tonight give the lions a treat." and Jesus would have been away and spreading his happy message.

At the crucifixion there is no mention of Joseph. Alright, we know he was not the biological father of Jesus but he was basically his stepfather. But can he take a day off from cutting wood while his stepson is crucified? No. No mention of him. Maybe he built the crucifix; and was feeling guilty about it and that is why he didn't show up.

You can almost imagine the conversation:

Pilate: Hey Joseph want to build a crucifix?
Joseph: Umm this wouldn't be the one for Jesus would it?
Pilate: Well. Umm. Well. Yes it is. Does that matter?
Joseph: You know he is my stepson right?
Pilate: That is why I came to you. Make sure he gets a good one.
Joseph: You sick bastard.
Pilate: No. Hear me out. I just thought instead of one of those cheap Roman crucifixes you would make a nice one for him.
Joseph: It's Friday.
Pilate: I'll pay for the overtime.
Joseph. Well, seems you put it like that. Economy the way it is I cannot afford to turn down work.
Pilate: Exactly. And if you didn't make it someone else would.
Joseph: No point me giving business to my competitors.
Pilate: OK. Well get on with it I've already washed my hands of the matter.
Joseph: Be right on it governor. Have it there for 11.
Pilate: Good. Don't feel so bad. In years to come this will be great advertising. Joseph - Carpenter To The Messiah.
Joseph: Enough talking I got work to do.
Pilate: So Eleven at the Roman palace.
Joseph: Don't you want me to deliver it to Golgotha?
Pilate: No, Jesus can carry it. I've heard about your delivery charges.
Joseph: You crafty bastard. I like your style.

Anyway back to the crucifixion. It's Friday and the guards want to get off early, so to make the criminals die a bit quicker they decide to break their legs. Jesus hears this and pretends to be dead. Guards think Jesus is dead and save themselves a couple of minutes and decide not to waste time breaking his legs.

Then, lo and behold, some guy never mentioned before asks Pilate if he can have the body. Pilate, not wanting to mess with some crazy psycho who collects dead bodies just agrees.

Then this crazy psycho decides to put Jesus in a cave. But some clever bastard did not want this dead person to escape. Makes you wonder, maybe, just maybe, someone knew it was a sham and that Jesus was really alive. Well just in case he wasn't dead they decided to put a big rock in front of the cave to make sure he didn't escape.

Now, I'm guessing as it was Sunday when it was noticed Jesus had disappeared, faster than Jermaine Jackson when the Child Support payment is due, that the Roman Forensics team had the day off. Because I have a theory how Jesus escaped from the cave.

When he was taken down, and removed, from the cross he somehow managed to palm one of the big nails - nothing any magician who tricked people into thinking water was wine could not do. Thus when he was put in the cave he used that nail to slowly dig a rut to one side of the rock. By Sunday morning he'd dug away enough sand that with just a little motion the rock rolled out of the way; thanks to the rut Jesus had dug.

This is why Christians, who are somehow in the know, celebrate Easter with an egg instead of a rock - because they know it is all lies. And the egg in their mouth stops them from telling what they know. And by Monday nobody is asking anymore.


Cuss Count: Zero (It Is Easter)

Legal Notice: There is no record that Pilate and Joseph discussed the crucifixion. This post is meant as an alternative, satirical, look at Easter. No blasphemy is intended or implied. HNN is not affiliated with any news agency, religious organization, or advertising.