Police Brutality

When is the world going to wake up to these bullies in blue?

Before everyone says it is not all police - it is. They may not be the ones doing the actual beatings but they are the ones allowing cowards to hide behind the badge that they represent.

Search Google, or Youtube, for the term "Police Brutality" and you will find countless cases, and videos, which show police from various countries beating on the innocent.

Supposedly the main stay of law in almost every land is "Innocent until proven guilty" yet the police, who are out of control are classing anyone that they feel like as "Guilty" and acting like judge, jury, and in some cases the executioner.

And why is nothing being done? Because we are all raised to believe that the police are the good guys. Sorry, but that idea is complete bullshit. The good guys don't beat innocent people, the good guys don't taser 14 year old girls, the good guys don't kick a man already bleeding to death.

Corrupt police persons paint a target on every single cop's back. And for the police persons that are not corrupt you ensure that target gets bigger and bigger each day.

That is a quote from the Boondock Saints movie, where Father Monsignor is talking about the Kitty Genovese story to a packed congregation; and he says:

"Now, we must all fear evil men. But there is another kind of evil which we must fear most, and that is the indifference of good men."




Peace.

Cuss Count: Not too Bad

Legal Notice: Nobody mentioned in this post endorses the overall tone of the post. This post is a response to the lack of accountability in 'police brutality' cases which have gone unpunished for too long.

Informers

Back in the nineties Snow sang Informer. If only he had known about the Michael Jackson death hoax that was going to happen in 2009 he would of made it Informers; and had the Michael Jackson hoax death anthem.

Yet another crazy, unstable, person has made it on the scene to say when Michael will be back. But this one came out of the closet dressed in their Grandma's clothes attacking Twitter user @TheIllusion777; yet another informer.

The newest of informers, at the time of writing as it seems a new one arrives almost hourly, is a Twitter user going under the ID of @TheMJInformer.

As if the hoax hasn't had enough to contend with - with the Michael Jackson fans fighting amongst each other - now the so-called informers are going to start vying to be the most trusted informer.

But before following one of these crack addicts think about this one question. If Michael Jackson hoaxed his death on International television would he want some unknown, random, Twitter account to announce the comeback of all time?

And for those that care - @TheIllusion says the return will be July 13, 2011; Although they have already tweeted that it may not happen and just merely join the other canceled Bamsdays. @TheMJInformer has not set a date; but they have only been on Twitter for a short time so give them chance and I'm sure they will be plucking dates out of their ass like the rest of the informers that have come and gone.





Peace.

Cuss Count: Zero

Legal Notice: None - although HNN is not affiliated with any real news agency; just in case someone thinks it is.

Where Is MJ?

Guest Report By: MJHDC

Seriously? You have to be fucking kidding? What butt-munching fucktard decided that Michael Jackson would reveal his location with some 2nd rate website?

George Santayana said: "Those who cannot remember the past, are condemned to repeat it." and how right he fucking was.

Let us take a little tour down 'Hoax History Lane':

First stop. Joke Calms China gave some fucked up cryptic clues that Michael was in Germany. As soon as enough idiots had fallen for this joke a Myspace account was created. Surprisingly enough no proof or evidence that Michael Jackson was ever in Germany.

Second stop. The infamous Leahicm video; which came with the story that Michael had been in coma and was now on some security footage. Surprisingly enough that bullshit turned out to be bullshit also.

Third stop. InMySmallPaddedCell (actually InMySmallWay) turned up with some photos of Neverland which was proof that Michael Jackson was hiding out there. No he wasn't in any of the photos and no there was no proof. Yet again more bullshit.

Final stop. Some 2nd rate website (www.michaeljacksonfakeddeath.com) turns up saying Michael Jackson is on some little island in the middle of fucking nowhere. Yet again no proof of this claim. Yet more bullshit.

Do hoaxers, believers, investigators really think that Michael Jackson faked his death on international TV so he could have some fucktard announce his return on the Internet? Kind of fucks Bamsday right up the ass.

MJ: I'm back.
Person: Yeah and?
MJ: But I'm here.
Person: Yeah OK. But who cares?
MJ: What?
Person: We knew where you were. When you came back it was like you was returning from a vacation.
MJ: But this is Bamsday.
Person: If you say so.
MJ: Are you excited?
Person: Not really. Once the informer announced where you were, and TMZ started doing daily updates on your activities  it kind of ruined Bamsday for me.
MJ: Oh I see. Well I'll be off then.
Person: OK. Take care.
MJ: Fuck. Never should of revealed my whereabouts on the Internet.

I could say Michael Jackson is alive and well; and living in my basement. I have no proof of this but as the hoax has proven time and time again proof is not needed. And for those wondering - He is not really in my basement. There would be no room for him with the pile of dead bodies.

If you really think some shitty website is going to tell you where Michael Jackson is; then keep taking your medications. Just before you overdose your fucktard ass - stick a pin in an atlas and see where he will be next week.

Newsflash: Michael Jackson is on Twitter. He is also on Facebook. You want to know where he is why not just ask him; or one of the hundreds of fake MJs and informers?

Peace.

Cuss Count: High

Legal Notice: MJHDC was not paid for his opinion. Hoax News Network is not affiliated with any real news agency.

You Suck At Photoshop

Well, actually, according to Donnie Hoyle who presents the series everyone except him sucks at Photoshop. You Suck At Photoshop is a series of 20 videos, available on Youtube, which aims to teach various aspects of Photoshop.

What makes the series of videos, unique and, stand out from the millions of Photoshop tutorials available on Youtube? The way it is presented.

The 20 part series introduces Donnie Hoyle who uses Photoshop to to tell you all about his life as it happens. Part 1 starts with the fact that the wife of Donny Hoyle has been cheating on him. So he Photoshops a copy of his marriage certificate on the window of the van that his wife is using as a makeshift 'passion wagon'.

The series then follows Danny Hoyle as he goes through the break-up of his marriage, he finds out the his child is not his, the police raid his home, he finds a new love on the Internet, and eventually gets killed.

Each part of the series teaches a certain aspect of Photoshop. No other series will show you how to Photoshop an unwanted cat; and eventually stuff it in a plastic bag (and if you think that sounds really bad you will have to watch to see that it is not really that mean).

The comedy throughout the whole series will mean you may have to watch parts over and over to actually learn the Photoshop skills presented because quite often laughing too much means you'll forget. Remaining concentrated on Photoshop while 'Snatch Buckler' interrupts on Skype is pretty hard to do.

You Suck At Photoshop almost defies description; and it is better to just watch the series. And if you don't care about Photoshop watch it purely for the comedy factor.




Incidentally, anyone who arrived here hoping for in-depth Photoshop knowledge; fear not. The following four links will guide you to some of the best Photoshop tutorials on the Internet.

GavTrain - Gavin Hoey teaches Photoshop and photography. Clear, precise, interesting, and very knowledgeable.

Tip Squirrel - More Photoshop tutorials and advice than you can shake a stick at. Joined by a whole host of Photoshop gurus (including Gavin Hoey, Glyn Dewis, and Janine Smith).

Official PSDs - Thousands of PSD files for your own Photoshop compositions, tutorials, and a forum where all things Photoshop are discussed.

PSD Tuts+ - Many, many, quality Photoshop tutorials.

Peace.

Cuss Count: Zero

Legal Notice: Hoax News Network is not affiliated with any agency; news or otherwise. All links to external material are presented as is; with no warranty or guarantee implied.

Homeless Dave For President

With the announcement, last night, from Homeless Dave that he intends to start a presidential campaign; the media, celebrities, and the news are already reacting.

Michelle Obama shocked her husband, and the world, when she said at the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner: "Homeless Dave. Hell yeah. I would vote for him just so Barack has some free time to help around the house; and with the kids. Go Homeless Dave you have my vote!"

Alex Jones, of InfoWars, said: "As long as he has a full length birth certificate I don't give a damn. It is a conspiracy. The founding fathers were the Illuminati. I wish Homeless Dave all the best; but it is never going to happen. I'll be surprised if the CIA or FBI don't take him out before the day. The New World Order will not allow their plans to be disrupted."

Sarah Palin, possible Republic hopeful, said: "Homeless who? Can homeless people run for being President?"

Joe Jackson, father of the Jackson 5, said: "Homeless Dave is running for President? Good. Get that bum out of the White House and replace him with a real bum. Obama said he would hook me up once he was elected - damn cracker didn't hook up shit. Get him out of there and let me make some money. I am sure Homeless Dave will be needing a Secretary Of Fashion."

Although it has not been discussed, or announced, who will be running for Vice-President with Homeless Dave; political pundits are already making predictions.

Glenn Beck, of Fox News, stated: "It has to be Karl; he had the laptop originally. Pete is his best friend but has he made the right deals to become Vice-President material? I'm saying Karl just because of the laptop deal; Dave is not going to forget that."

Larry King, of CNN, said: "You know I have known Homeless Dave before he was homeless. He's a great guy and I'm sure he'll stand by his friend Pete. Laptops and the like will not sway him."

Homeless Dave, himself, is taking it all in his stride: "Originally it was a scam to get a free house. But I thought about it; and who knows better what the average person on the street wants? Nobody. I am on the streets 24/7. I know what concerns people have. I'm ideal for President. I'm not sitting in some ivory tower like Donald Trump. And, I have not forgotten my roots like President Obama."

With regards to his Vice President choice Dave had this to say: "It could be either Pete or Karl. Some have suggested Sheila but she has more skeletons in her past than the whole Osmond family. If I had a coin I'd flip it. At the present I am working on a slogan for my campaign. I have narrowed it down to 4 choices:

Homeless Dave - Stealing The White House.
Homeless Dave - Homeless No More.
Vote Homeless Dave - He's Cheap.
Homeless Dave - The Cheaper Asshole.

I'm not really sure which one to go with as of yet."

So the mainstream media may not keep you up to date with Homeless Dave's Presidential run but Hoax News Network will report, periodically, until Dave is in the White House.

Peace.

Cuss Count: One (Thanks Joe)

Legal Notice: Any person mentioned in this post did not take part; it is merely satire. No retards were harmed in the production of this post although it is guaranteed a yawning one will read it. HNN is not affiliated with any agency news or otherwise. No sponsorship marred the reporting in this post.

Interview With God

He is supposedly everywhere; yet nailing him down for an interview is harder than nailing his son down. But finally I caught up with God and interviewed the elusive man himself.

HNN: Before we begin God I should let you know I already sold my soul to the devil back in 1990 for a Gary Lineker, World Cup, player card.
God: I wouldn't worry about that. That was me.
HNN: What? So you are Satan; the devil?
God: Hey, I am all-knowing, all-seeing, and always around. I have to fill my time up. I'm awake 24/7. It is like insomnia on crack. I play various parts; including Satan, God, Allah, and Buddha. If you have met one of them you have already met me.
HNN: So you are God, Allah, and Buddha?
God: It keeps things interesting. As God I cover the Western world, as Buddha the Eastern, and as Allah everywhere else. When I make a mistake and God gets the blame I head to the oriental region and listen to the prayers to Buddha. That way I am always loved somewhere.
HNN: Unless you flood the world again.
God: Now hang on. You have the story from one side; Moses. Let me tell you the truth. It just wasn't that bad. It was 40 days and 40 nights - but that is all. Moses, when he wrote it down, had this idea it would have been Noah's vacation time. So he suggested it was the entire world to try and make me feel bad. But no I didn't flood the world completely; just a bit of it.
HNN: So how much of the Bible is true?
God: Not a lot of it. The first 5 books by Moses - complete bullshit most of it. He was always exaggerating. If there was 50 Egyptian soldiers he would write 5,000. Like the whole 'Don't eat the fruit' thing and Adam; Moses was pissed when he wrote that. But me and Adam were laughing our asses off; but grumpy Moses doesn't mention that bit.
HNN: Is there anything else the Bible doesn't mention?
God: Loads. Mary was no virgin let me tell you. All this talk about Jesus being my kid; it does not mention the four other guys it could have been. And if you stand me and Jesus side by side we look nothing like each other. I felt sorry him; so I looked out for him. Adam was forever bitching in my ear "Remember you do have a son - me. You never take me fishing or let me perform miracles." Whiny little bastard. Moses wrote that Adam was evicted from the garden of Eden. That is one big fucking lie. I just had enough and sent him to Child Services; I could not handle the constant questions "What is this called?", "Can I eat this?", and "Where did I come from?" Just got too much to handle.
HNN: Any important bits of the Bible true?
God: John really did have a vision; which he called a revelation. But he was high on LSD. You should read the unedited version; where do you think Disney got the idea for Fantasia? It was all in Revelation before it was edited to make sense. The fight between David and Goliath is true - well almost; Goliath was in fact only 4' 10". The crucifixion was true. I was going to stop it; but like I said he was not my kid so I didn't bother.
HNN: Any words of wisdom with regards to current events?
God: Learn from Japan. I never created nuclear energy. I can fix the problem; but what does mankind learn if I fix everything for them? I had nuclear energy for my heating once. Never ran properly. Know where it is now? It is that place you all call Hell. I went to solar power throughout the place. You know; doing my bit for the environment. I was going to smite Lindsay Lohan the other day. But just as I got ready to do it; I realized she is doing a great job without my help. Chances. She has had chances out of her ass. But does she use them wisely; and to their fullest? Does she hell. Fucking Waster! Reminds me of Jesus turning water to wine. I said to him "Hey stupid you only get 10 miracles. And you waste the first one turning water to wine? What the fuck are you thinking?" I think if it was not for the crucifixion he would of been an alcoholic.
HNN: What is with the circumcision in the Bible?
God: (laughing) That was a fucking joke. Enid said one night "Tell Abraham to cut his foreskin off." I had maybe a couple too many to drink - so I did. I sobered up the next day; I went to tell Abraham I was joking but it was too late. Not only had he done himself he had done a few more. Never did tell him it was a joke.
HNN: Any other jokes?
God: Lazarus. He never died. He just passed out from drinking. Well, his sisters claimed on the insurance. Then when he came round they had already spent it. So the whole 'Jesus waking the dead' story was created. Because the Romans would of jailed all three of them for insurance fraud. It was one of those 'had to be there' moments when the Romans came knocking.
HNN: Was Jesus married?
God: Not the whole Mary Magdalene rumor again. I thought this was over. Look, let me set the record straight once and for all. Jesus did not marry Mary Magdelene; although they did sleep together a couple of times. It is not like I was watching or anything; I'm omni-present, I see everything. And even if Mary Magdalene had kids they would be no relation to me - Jesus was not mine.
HNN: What do you think about Charlie Sheen?
God: Duh. Winning. No, no, seriously that little light is slowly dying out. He made the wrong choices. That is why I am slowly taking everything back until he has nothing. He had his chance and he blew it. He's like Lindsay Lohan but with trousers.
HNN: What is with the Westboro Baptist Church?
God: They are all inbred retards. Look it is one family; the Phelps. All inbred. All fucked in the head. They keep on about God hates this and God hates that. I'll tell you right now there is two things God hates - The Westboro Baptist Church and the Phelps family. I put these inbred hicks in a country where anyone who can sign their own name, or make a mark, can own a gun. I thought it would be over with for them by now. I gave the Phelps family freedom of speech, but I say this to them "Fuck up already. Nobody wants you, nobody likes you, and you are giving me a bad name. Just keep pissing people off; because one day some asshole with a gun is going to go postal and open fire on one of your dumb protests. And if you think the police are going to stop them, or help, remember the military funerals you fucked with. You are living on borrowed time."
HNN: Any chance of this weeks winning lottery numbers?
God: Do I look like some carnival freak mystic?
HNN: You don't know them.
God: Yes I do. 2, 9, 14, 22, and 28.
HNN: Thanks.
God: Shit! Caught out again.
HNN: So when is Armageddon?
God: Read the Bible. It says "No man knoweth the day or the hour." Actually that was put in because I couldn't decide on a date. Originally a date was meant to be put in there. But by the time it went to press I still had not decided. So it was left as a guessing game really. Who knows tomorrow I might just say fuck it and have Armageddon.
HNN: Anything that should have been in the Bible but wasn't?
God: Only a couple of people know this. Before Adam there was Aaron. Well, I made him before the garden of Eden. To cut a long story short I didn't see him when I made that tree which was why I was keeping Adam and Eve away from it. Aaron is buried underneath it. Was never sure how to break it to Adam his older brother was under the tree; so I didn't. Then I had Moses just forget to put that bit in the Bible. Another thing not in the Bible - my wife; Mrs God. You really think I created all of this? Clearly you can see a woman's touch around the place. But she did not want to take credit; and like she said at the time I did most of the work.
HNN: So there is a Mrs God?
God: Of Course. You don't believe that whole 'Adam from the ground' shit do you? Wait until I tell Enid that one. She will laugh; she always does. I remember once we were in the garden of Eden and Adam was still young. Well Enid, Mrs God, picked up a handful of soil and threw it at Adam and said "Here, play with your new brother." I about pissed myself that day.
HNN: Mrs God likes a good joke also then?
God: Oh yes. Never one to miss a joke my Enid. Jonah and the whale - that was her idea. I was suggesting a pig or a cow and Enid said "Let the bastard be eaten by a whale." Well we both burst out laughing. But that is what it ended up as. I'll do anything for my Enid. Well I'm needed in China so I better go. Someone is praying to Buddha and if I'm not there Enid, bless her, will take a message. And she is forever getting them wrong. How do think Justin Bieber got a career? Anyway I am out of here.
HNN: One last question. Do you really answer prayers?
God: Yeah. If your prayer is pulled out of the hat. I try to pick a few a day so people remember I am about. Just luck of the draw. Does not matter if you ask for world peace or a new sports car. You have the same chance.

Well, there you have it. God as only God can be.

Peace.

Cuss Count: Not Too Bad

Legal Notice: This post does not intentionally commit blasphemy and is posted as a satirical post. HNN is not in any way affiliated with God, Allah, Buddha. Nor is HNN affiliated with any news agency. No sponsorship has tarnished the opinion of this post.

Easter - The Hoax

Jesus gets tried by Pilate who finds Jesus innocent of all charges. Jesus, for being innocent gets crucified and thrown in a cave for 3 days - well actually 2 as he was gone by Sunday morning.

So, the Romans who basically introduced a legal system to the world allowed an innocent man to be crucified. Hardly seems fair.

But is it all just one big pile of lies?

Pilate, part of the all-conquering Roman Empire, has to give in to a few local religious leaders. Doesn't really sound right. He could of just said "Throw a few of the Jews in with the Christians tonight give the lions a treat." and Jesus would have been away and spreading his happy message.

At the crucifixion there is no mention of Joseph. Alright, we know he was not the biological father of Jesus but he was basically his stepfather. But can he take a day off from cutting wood while his stepson is crucified? No. No mention of him. Maybe he built the crucifix; and was feeling guilty about it and that is why he didn't show up.

You can almost imagine the conversation:

Pilate: Hey Joseph want to build a crucifix?
Joseph: Umm this wouldn't be the one for Jesus would it?
Pilate: Well. Umm. Well. Yes it is. Does that matter?
Joseph: You know he is my stepson right?
Pilate: That is why I came to you. Make sure he gets a good one.
Joseph: You sick bastard.
Pilate: No. Hear me out. I just thought instead of one of those cheap Roman crucifixes you would make a nice one for him.
Joseph: It's Friday.
Pilate: I'll pay for the overtime.
Joseph. Well, seems you put it like that. Economy the way it is I cannot afford to turn down work.
Pilate: Exactly. And if you didn't make it someone else would.
Joseph: No point me giving business to my competitors.
Pilate: OK. Well get on with it I've already washed my hands of the matter.
Joseph: Be right on it governor. Have it there for 11.
Pilate: Good. Don't feel so bad. In years to come this will be great advertising. Joseph - Carpenter To The Messiah.
Joseph: Enough talking I got work to do.
Pilate: So Eleven at the Roman palace.
Joseph: Don't you want me to deliver it to Golgotha?
Pilate: No, Jesus can carry it. I've heard about your delivery charges.
Joseph: You crafty bastard. I like your style.

Anyway back to the crucifixion. It's Friday and the guards want to get off early, so to make the criminals die a bit quicker they decide to break their legs. Jesus hears this and pretends to be dead. Guards think Jesus is dead and save themselves a couple of minutes and decide not to waste time breaking his legs.

Then, lo and behold, some guy never mentioned before asks Pilate if he can have the body. Pilate, not wanting to mess with some crazy psycho who collects dead bodies just agrees.

Then this crazy psycho decides to put Jesus in a cave. But some clever bastard did not want this dead person to escape. Makes you wonder, maybe, just maybe, someone knew it was a sham and that Jesus was really alive. Well just in case he wasn't dead they decided to put a big rock in front of the cave to make sure he didn't escape.

Now, I'm guessing as it was Sunday when it was noticed Jesus had disappeared, faster than Jermaine Jackson when the Child Support payment is due, that the Roman Forensics team had the day off. Because I have a theory how Jesus escaped from the cave.

When he was taken down, and removed, from the cross he somehow managed to palm one of the big nails - nothing any magician who tricked people into thinking water was wine could not do. Thus when he was put in the cave he used that nail to slowly dig a rut to one side of the rock. By Sunday morning he'd dug away enough sand that with just a little motion the rock rolled out of the way; thanks to the rut Jesus had dug.

This is why Christians, who are somehow in the know, celebrate Easter with an egg instead of a rock - because they know it is all lies. And the egg in their mouth stops them from telling what they know. And by Monday nobody is asking anymore.

Peace.

Cuss Count: Zero (It Is Easter)

Legal Notice: There is no record that Pilate and Joseph discussed the crucifixion. This post is meant as an alternative, satirical, look at Easter. No blasphemy is intended or implied. HNN is not affiliated with any news agency, religious organization, or advertising.

Jermaine Tweets Life Not Death

OK I know I'm blocked by the greased wonder but today he tweeted some stuff worth mentioning.

"Mother is also guided by private discussions with Michael. Trust me, a mother knows her son...better than anyone (inc executors)"

So does it mean Michael is alive? It came from Jermaine, who was the only Jackson to deny that Marlon used a Twitter account, so who knows.

But as Katherine Jackson is a Jehovah Witness she doesn't talk to the dead.

Jehovah Witnesses believe that when someone dies "the dead are not conscious of anything they are like in a deep sleep. They can not see or hear or move or talk and that no part of us lives on. So Jehovah's witnesses do not believe in life after death.Until Jehovah through his son Jesus will one day bring this earth back to his original purpose of a paradise, when he will also bring back all those who have died to life in that new paradise earth."

Even the official Jehovah Witness website covers the subject:

False religion has left many confused as to the whereabouts and condition of the dead. Heaven, hell, purgatory, Limbo—these and various other destinations range from being incomprehensible to being downright terrifying. The Bible, on the other hand, tells us that the dead are unconscious; they are in a condition best compared to sleep. (Ecclesiastes 9:5,10; John 11:11-14) Thus, we need not worry about what happens to us after death, any more than we worry when we see someone sleeping soundly. Jesus spoke of a time when "all those in the memorial tombs" would "come out" to renewed life on a paradise earth. (John 5:28, 29; Luke 23:43)

Wikipedia states:

Jehovah's Witnesses believe death is a state of non-existence with no consciousness. There is no Hell of fiery torment; Hades and Sheol are understood to refer to the condition of death, termed the common grave. Jehovah's Witnesses consider the soul to be a life or a living body that can die. Their hope for life after death involves being resurrected by God to a cleansed earth after Armageddon. Watch Tower Society publications teach that humanity is in a sinful state, from which release is only possible by means of Jesus' shed blood as a payment, or atonement, for the sins of humankind.

So if Katherine is truly having "private discussions" with Michael Jackson - there is no way he can be dead.

Peace

Cuss Count: Zero

Legal Notice: I have no religious belief. The opinions in this post are from the official Jehovah Witness website and Wikipedia. Non believers chew on that.

Biggest Hoax In The World

Did Michael Jackson fake his death? Did Elvis fake his death? Is Jim Morrison alive and well? Is Tupac happily living the gangster life somewhere? All these hoaxes and conspiracies pale into insignificance when you look at the biggest hoax ever pulled off - Christianity; more to the point the Bible that Christians use.

Since the beginning of time the Bible has been edited, translated, and rewritten to meet specific ideals. And that dusty old book sat on your bookshelf is not even the full Bible; it is just the bits left that basically don't upset the apple cart of Christianity.

The Bible is left with 66 books; 39 in the Old Testament and 27 in the New Testament. And what you are left with is a nice story from the creation - going through a rough time - Jesus dying for mankind - until Armageddon and being judged and all the good Christians going to Heaven.

The Books are: Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, Joshua, Judges, Ruth, 1 and 2 Samuel, 1 and 2 Kings, 1 and 2 Chronicles, Ezra, Nehemiah, Esther, Job, Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, Song of Solomon, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Lamentations, Ezekiel, Daniel, Hosea, Joel, Amos, Obadiah, Jonah, Micah, Nahum, Habakkuk, Zephaniah, Haggai, Zechariah, Malachi for the Old Testament.

The books are: Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Acts, Romans, 1 and 2 Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, 1 and 2 Thessalonians, 1 and 2 Timothy, Titus, Philemon, Hebrews, James, 1 and 2 Peter, 1, 2 and 3 John, Jude, Revelation for the New Testament.

But head back a few years, well actually many years, to 1884 when the King James Bible still had what is known as the 'Apocryphal Books' in it; they were removed from the King James Version in 1885. These 15 books were 'canonized' back in 1546 at the Council Of Trent. So they spent 339 years as official books of the Bible; and so far only 126 years removed from the Bible. The fifteen books are: Wisdom of Solomon, Ecclesiasticus, Tobit, 1 Esdras, 1 and 2 Maccabees, Judith, Baruch, Letter of Jeremiah, 2 Esdras, Additions to Esther, Prayer of Azariah, Suzanna, Bel & the Dragon, and Prayer of Manasseh.

That is just the beginning. 15 books that were part of the Bible removed by man; which considering all scripture is meant to be inspired by God who gave man the authority to remove it?

Then we have the other so-called "Lost Books" of the Bible. These books are even referenced to in the remaining 66 books.

Book Of Jasher - Joshua 10:13
Book Of The Wars Of The Lord - Numbers 21:14
A Book Of Songs - 1 Kings 8:12-13
Chronicles Of The Kings Of Israel - 1 Kings 14:19
Book Of Shemaiah - 2 Chronicles 9:29
Manner Of The Kingdom - 1 Samuel 10:25
Acts Of Solomon - 1 Kings 11:41
Annals Of King David - 1 Chronicles 27:24
Book Of Samuel The Seer - 1 Chronicles 29:29
Book Of Nathan The Prophet - 2 Chronicles 9:29
Book Of Gad The Seer - 1 Chronicles 29:29
Prophecy Of Ahijah - 2 Chronicles 29:29
Book Of The Kings Of Judah And Israel - 2 Chronicles 16:11
Book Of Jehu - 2 Chronicles 20:34
Story Of The Book Of Kings - 2 Chronicles 24:27
Acts Of Uziah - 2 Chronicles 26:22
Vision Of Isaiah - 2 Chronicles 32:32
Sayings Of The Seers - 2 Chronicles 33:19

Eighteen books referenced in the Bible. The first thing that religious scholars pick at is that these books are not as well written as the standard 66 books of the Bible. But the Bible that all these scholars refer to have been translated from Ancient Hebrew and Greek; and refined time and time again. If these 18 books had been refined as much as the 66 books of the Bible then they would appear just as well written.

So take the books of the Apocrypha and the books referenced in the Bible (by books in the 'standard' 66) and you have 33 more books - which means thanks to man, and various religious organizations, there is the possibility of missing out on one-third of the Bible.

But this all is based on the Bible being a religious book. There is no foundation, other than the Bible itself, that it is nothing more than a work of fiction.

And the 33 new books are just scratching the surface of what exists as possible religious texts.

Adam and Eve get evicted from the Garden of Eden and in the Bible the next mention is they are having children. But the Book of Adam and Eve, considered a lost book, explains in detail Adam and Eve's life right after the Garden of Eden.

And the Bible itself misses a great big chunk of time. The Old Testament ends at approximately 430 BC. And the New Testament starts at approximately 3 BC. Over 400 years missing - is it meant to be believed that nothing happened with regards to the early lives of the god-fearing people. And what happened to Jesus growing up? No mention of it in the Bible. He was born in the stable and all of a sudden he is preaching in the synagogues.

And if you look at all the books that were written at the same time as the Bible which concern events of people in the Bible the list numbers over 500 books. So out of a possible 566 books 66 were chosen by man; and various religions.

So is the Bible inspired by God? Who knows. But what is known is that a lot more happened than is said in the Bible. And of what is written the possibility exists that more than 66 books were inspired by God.

More details can be found at:

The Lost Books - Where most of the texts can be read for FREE online.

Peace.

Cuss Count: None

Legal Notice: No religious blasphemy is intended as this post is merely stating an opinion. This post, and HNN, is not affiliated with any news agency or sponsor.

@Homeless_Dave

It had to happen. Dave Locke, known to millions simply as Homeless Dave, found his way to Twitter. I caught up with Homeless Dave to find out why, and how, he decided to make his way to Twitter.

HNN: Hi Dave.
Dave: Hi.
HNN: You made your way to Twitter. I suppose the first question has to be why?
Dave: Well, I have been reading Twitter now for almost 2 years at the library. But them bastards stop you from signing in so I was never able to create an account. Then the other day I got a Tracfone as part of some government scheme to help the homeless find work. I had it a couple of days then realized I could get on the Internet with it. So I signed up for Twitter.
HNN: I see. So what pearls of wisdom can people who follow you on Twitter expect?
Dave: No pearls of wisdom. Just my life; and how I see things. I noticed a lot of people follow celebrities to see what they have to say; and I thought to myself "fuck that" they can can all follow me and receive a slice of reality pie for their troubles.
HNN: I know you have followed the Michael Jackson hoax death. Will that appear in your time line?
Dave: Its not a hoax. Well it is; but it has been turned into a fucking joke. I look at some of the time lines on Twitter and you have dumbasses tweeting to three different Michael Jacksons. I mean seriously, if you are crazy enough to think you are talking to Michael Jackson on Twitter at least keep it to just one. Some of these people need help. A lot of them remind me of Sheila. She has a one-person cardboard box; but if you talk to her she says there is 20 people living in that box. Crazy cow needs to get out a bit more.
HNN: So you don't think Michael Jackson is on Twitter?
Dave: Is he bollocks. And these people need to stop with the movie clues too. Just because Jim Carrey took a shit in Ace Ventura while wearing a fedora does not make it a clue. Karl and me were watching Stuart Little in Walmart last week and I said to him "White mouse; close enough to a white rabbit. Keep your eyes peeled for hoax clues." He didn't see any - mainly because he is a Meth addict and had passed out after 5 minutes. But not everything is a clue is what I'm trying to say.
HNN: You must think that there are some clues?
Dave: No. I'm on the streets 24/7 except when I'm at the library or stealing at Walmart. Michael Jackson was worth millions, the guy was practically shitting gold bars, he isn't going to fake his death and leave a trail of clues so someone on Twitter can find him. You would have more luck hanging out at the corner of 4th and Roosevelt; and hoping he walks by.
HNN: What do you think of the Jackson family?
Dave: I'll keep it short for you. Katherine, a lovely woman, she could be my Mom any day. Joe; miserable fucker unless he is conning someone out of cash. Tito needs to come down off the roof and meet people. Janet, nice enough, although one of her bodyguards did push me out the way once. The others I could take or leave; except that greasy Jermaine. Ever since June 2009 he has done nothing but try to make money off of the name Michael Jackson.
HNN: Speaking of Jermaine - what do you think about the Marlon Jackson Twitter account?
Dave: To be honest I don't think about it. Marlon has brothers, sisters, nephews, and nieces all over Twitter and the only one to say anything is Jermaine. I got 3 words for him "Fuck off Jermaine" and while he is at it he can pay his child support and treat his wife better. I bet he beat her to make her tweet in agreement with him - too much like his dad.
HNN: Anything else caught your eye on Twitter?
Dave: Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan. Coke head and Skank as they are referred to on the streets. He loses a nice little earner from that show; he looks like he some muscle wasting disease and he is winning? As for Lohan, she has had enough chances. Time to lock her up and throw the fucking key away.
HNN: What is your take on the government nearly shutting down?
Dave: Fire the lot of them. Useless assholes couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery. We owe China trillions. I say they have a vested interest in all of this. Fire Obama and all the other idiots and let China run the country. Either that or give China Texas and call it evens. I know cuts have to be made but theses dumbasses want to cut education. Are they really that fucking stupid? When these politicians are retired, and living that final years in Florida, it will be their fault that someone like Al Bundy will be president.
HNN: Speaking of presidents - what do you think about Donald Trump saying Barack Obama was not born in the United States?
Dave: Who fucking cares where he was born. He was voted in to make change. He just hasn't done that. After 2012 he will be flipping burgers at McDonalds. I don't care if he was born in Kenya, Hawaii, or Canada. He hasn't done fuck all for me. But I'll tell you this for free - if he gets voted in again I'll move to fucking Kenya.
HNN: Now you are on Twitter do you expect to be getting a home soon?
Dave: What the fuck sort of question is that? Just because I put a sentence of 140 characters together does not mean I'll instantly get a home.
HNN: I meant with the Internet and social media finding a job would be easier; and then in turn you could get a house.
Dave: I unplug the pony outside Walmart to charge my Tracfone. If I find a cardboard box with Styrofoam in it I feel like I'm living at the Hilton Hotel. Who the fuck in their right mind is going to employ me?
HNN: Walmart or McDonalds.
Dave: Fuck Walmart. If I wasn't stealing from their store I would never go in there. They hire the mentally handicapped. I was in there once, and asked one of the employees where the restrooms were. Fucker just drooled for 30 seconds and then went into some seizure. I pocketed a couple of things and got the hell out of there.
HNN: Dave; any family that could help you out?
Dave: My parents were killed in the 9/11 attacks. They weren't really but keep that to yourself as I am trying to get a settlement from an insurance company. I have a brother. But he moved to Canada or Cambodia; I'm not sure which.
HNN: But you have friends though?
Dave: There is me, Karl, Pete, and Sheila all live in the same alley. We have a neighborhood watch scheme going on - first one to fall asleep loses anything of value.
HNN: So it is pretty rough on the streets?
Dave: Not really. We just like stealing from each other. Te other night Pete was drinking paint thinner. He passed out and Karl stole all his clothes. Poor bastard woke up covered in snow. We fucking laughed at that.
HNN: Dave, as always, it has been a pleasure.
Dave: Am I getting paid for this?
HNN: No.
Dave: Tight bastard.
HNN: You can finish my coffee.
Dave: Deal.

So if you want to know what is happening with Dave and his homeless neighbors he can be found on Twitter - @Homeless_Dave.

Peace.

Cuss Count: High

Legal Notice: No homeless people were harmed in the production of this post. HNN is not affiliated with, or sponsored by, anyone.

Jermaine Jackson's New Album

Today held at a parking lot was a very small press conference announcing the new album from Jermaine Jackson. The album is entitled "The Unofficial Michael Jackson Tribute".

As there was nothing going on Hoax News Network decided to join the other two press members for this announcement.

Jermaine Jackson, stood on an old milk crate, and made his announcement:

"Today I am releasing this album in memory of my brother; and his legacy.  It is in no way just an opportunity to cash-in on that legacy - that is what my book is for.  I was in the studio for days putting this album together and once they finished autotuning it I was happy with the result. I am not releasing this album on any online source due to the fact that people will download it without paying for it. I got kids to feed - well I'm sure that some of them are my kids. To be honest I'm not sure. Some might be the children of Randy but I am still paying for them; well my mother is. But as I said this album is not about that it is about the legacy of my brother."

Joe Jackson, father of Michael and Jermaine Jackson, had this to say: "Don't be putting me as the father of Jermaine. I hate when the press remind people of that. I am here to support the sales of this album; and it is not because I am getting 33% of all the profits. This album Jermaine actually did all the singing. I played it to his mother and she cried. Strangely enough she stopped crying when I turned it off. People have to realize that if they buy this album Jermaine will be able to pay his child support. I was talking with Katherine last night and she said she has had enough and that is why she is evicting them. Katherine has a big heart and is very polite in her actions. Me, I would of had Randy, Marlon, and Tito go round the house and evict them. You know, go old school with baseball bats and shit and get them out. I don't know how many people even live in that house now. Shit, Katherine is paying for people she don't even know."

I took the moment to ask Jermaine about Marlon's Twitter account. He had this to say: "It is not Marlon. I tweeted that. I know it has been around for 5 months and I am now only mentioning it; and yes there is only me and my wife that is saying it is not Marlon. But I swear it is not Marlon. I don't know why my other brothers haven't said anything against this account."

The album is out now and available via Joe Jackson, as he seems to be hauling all 2,000 copies around in the trunk of his SUV.

Tracks included on the album, all performed by Jermaine, are: It's All About The Benjamins, Money For Nothing, Opportunities (Let's Make Lots Of Money), Take The Money and Run, Gold Digger, and Free Money.

So if you have $3 spare and happen to meet up with Joe Jackson get yourself a copy; if for nothing more than a good laugh.

Peace.

Cuss Count: 2

Legal Notice: This post is satire and as such none of the events took place. Jermaine Jackson is writing a book in reality; which some have said is cashing in. Hoax News Network is not affiliated with a news agency; nor is the views expressed sponsored by anyone.

The Notebook Of Michael Jackson

Yesterday, it was announced that a notebook was found, reportedly belonging to Michael Jackson, in a bookstore in Germany. The one thing that makes this stand out among other writings from Michael Jackson is that it is supposedly written after his reported death.

Dieter Ehrlichmann, of Dresden, said: "I was looking for a particular book. It is a very old book. It is called 'Der Schiess-Sport und seine Regeln'. Well I never found it. The bookstore said they could not order it either. But as I was looking at the shelves of dusty old books I noticed this light blue notepad. I pulled it out from the shelf and the cover read 'Michael's Notebook - Do Not Look Inside'; being German the first thing I did was look inside. It appears to be notes written by Herr Michael Jackson. But as I read some of the pages the notes were dated after he was dead."

Although the notepad has not officially been verified in any way the Michael Jackson Estate has already filed papers restricting the sale, or reproduction, of the notepad. John Branca said: "This is obviously not the work of Michael Jackson, but at the same time we don't want this sort of thing flooding the market as if it was. So, we have ensured for the time being that the notebook is never made public."

Amazon spokeswoman, Patty Smith, went on record saying: "I know that the Jackson Estate is trying to make sure that nobody reads this as it blows the lid off of the whole idea that Michael Jackson is dead. But what they seem to be forgetting is that if this notebook is proven to be real then the world has a right to see it. That is why Amazon, along with other reputable publishers intend to challenge this ridiculous legal move to stop the reproduction. We are interested in getting this to the public; so that they can decide."

Although reproduction and sale of the notebook has been temporarily halted below is a few extracts that were noted by Dieter Enrlichmann before handing the notebook over to a representative of the Michael Jackson Estate:

"June 26, 2009 - Seems odd to be dead. First time I have been able to wake without the media wondering what I was eating for breakfast. At least now Jermaine will stop calling asking for money; it is not my fault he cannot hold back long enough to put a condom on. I pay for my own children why should I pay for his? Anyway enough writing I'm heading to Walmart to get some less suspicious clothes. The woman across the road noticed my white socks and fedora hat. I had to lie to her and tell her I was ECasanova. She didn't know who he was."

"July 7, 2009 - Watched my own memorial, well most of it as TBS had a Family Guy marathon on, cannot believe that Jermaine sang Smile. I really liked that song. But not anymore. Every time I hear it now it will make me think of Jermaine looking like he is straining on the toilet. Nice to see Mom wearing something other than blue; but I would have had a nice hat to finish the outfit off."

"August 8, 2009 - There is a forum about me hoaxing my death. It is run by some woman who wears adult diapers. Why? I don't know. I think this forum is pretty good but the way it is being handled it will most likely go down the tubes very fast. It looks like something Jermaine would try and set up."

"March 6, 2010 - Why are people so stupid? Obviously if you are running a hoax death website the Illuminati didn't kill me. That doesn't even make any sense. Called Dad; didn't say anything but it was good to hear his voice. Not sure who the woman who answered the phone was but it definitely wasn't Mom."

One note that Dieter remembered vividly was a recent entry concerning a comeback.

"March 22, 2011 - Read online that Jermaine is writing a book. What the hell? Wasn't even sure that Jermaine could form complete sentences without help from his many kids. I wasn't planning on coming back until July; but if he releases a book full of lies I might have to come back early just to defend myself."

Although the notebook has still not been verified it has given hope to those that believe Michael Jackson is still alive.

Peace.

Cuss Count: Zero

Legal Notice: This post is satire. Dieter Enrlichmann, John Branca, Patty Smith, and Michael Jackson had nothing to do with this post. Surprisingly there is no notebook found. This post is not connected with any news agency; nor is it sponsored.

Twitter Stories

I, along with many others, have always considered the 140 character limit set by Twitter as very restrictive in the creativity that exists with the users of Twitter. There is only so much that can be squeezed into 140 characters.

I know that services such as TwitLonger exist which ultimately allow an almost indefinite characters; but they do not really allow any interaction between users. It is a case of one person writes a long speech, statement, or tweet and everybody else reads it; and at the most comments on it with the 140 character limit.

Other than conversations the one thing Twitter misses out on is collaboration between users.

This idea was being discussed in a TinyChat chat room and the following was put forth - Twitter Stories.

It is basically a 21st century version of an old idea. Back when you were younger there was this game, when you were bored, where you wrote one line of a story and folded the paper over so the next person could not see what you wrote; and then they wrote a line, folded the paper, and passed it on to the next person. This continued until everyone had wrote at least one line, the sheet of paper was full, or everyone found something better to do.

Admittedly, when it was finished most of it made no sense; but for some reason reading it back all as one 'story' there was always the humor factor - seems nobody actually knew what anybody else had written.

The Twitter version, which is being done, goes along the same lines more or less. The first person tweets at someone with the first line; then that person tweets at somebody else with the second line and so on. The only difference with the Twitter version, from what I have seen, is a unique hash tag at the end of each line.

It is easier to show an example rather than try to explain it:

Which reads as: "Once upon a time there was a three-legged dog. Who in his spare time was a superhero with incredible powers. At the bank there was a crime in progress and the dog heard it." - Not very exciting, or humorous so far but it is merely the beginning.

The reason for the hash tag (#st00HNN) at the end of each tweet is so that it can be searched for using the Twitter Search. And this, from what I have seen, is because not everyone follows the exact same people. For example I follow people that neither @mj_conspiracy or @kingofpopart follow.

Anyway, when it was being discussed there were a few 'rules' to think about:

• Twitter search does not display protected accounts in search results.
• There is no point tweeting a line to someone who is never online.
• Most celebrities, but not all, will not get involved - so if it goes to a celebrity it may kill the story.

Other than that it seems as though anything goes. So if you are on Twitter, and bored, it might be worth a shot - if just to waste a few minutes.

Peace.

Cuss Count: Zero

Legal Notice: None of the tweets shown actually exist they were just an example. @mj_conspiracy, @kingofpopart, @saucystaci do not endorse this idea; or post. This post is not affiliated with any news agency or source. And this post is not sponsored by Ferrari or Apple yet.

Jermaine Jackson Wants You To Kiss His Ass

I awoke this morning, and after waking up with enough coffee to sink a small boat, and checked on Twitter. I was blocked by Jermaine Jackson.

I had to laugh, really I laughed, I couldn't care less. But thinking about why he would block me now compared to all the other things I said got me thinking about Jermaine Jackson's true purpose on Twitter.

Taking a step; back let me explain. A few days ago Jermaine started tweeting concerning a tribute and truth. And like many others I started taking wild stabs in the dark to what the hell he was on about. Admittedly, my first thought was that Jermaine was going to do another tribute concert. About 4 tweets later I jokingly put that it was going to be a book.

Well, lo and behold, it is a book.

I like many others felt this was Jermaine cashing in. Everyone thought the same when Rabbi Shmuley wrote his book; and many others who have written books since June 25, 2009. I even tweeted this idea that he was cashing in to Jermaine himself. And I got blocked.

Like I said I don't care. Jermaine has never tweeted anything that I cannot live without. But as I thought about it I looked into Jermaine writing a book. I remembered he had tried the same thing previously.

Back in 2006 there was a book proposal from Jermaine where he claimed: "Michael has 'a thing for young children' as well as a drug and alcohol problem that included a preference for Vicodin, Demerol, codeine, Percocet, cocaine, Jack Daniels and wine." Jermaine also claimed: "the former 'King Of Pop' paid former wife Debbie Rowe 'several million dollars' to bear two children fathered by a 'sperm donor'."

He also claimed: that their father Joe molested his sisters Rebbie and La Toya when they were children.

The proposal was withdrawn after Jermaine and other Jackson family members met to discuss its content and the effect that its publication could have. When Michael found out about the book he threatened to sue Jermaine and throw him out of the home he owns in Encino, California where Jermaine lives.

(Full article)

So when in 2011 Jermaine says he is going to be writing a book. You are damn right I am going to be skeptical about his reasons.

The guy is in court trying to get his child support payments down because he cannot afford them. So yeah, that does make it look like it is a case of cashing in. And like so many others, why didn't Jermaine write this book while Michael was able to defend what is said in this book? Was Jermaine worried that what he is writing is not the truth, and if Michael was able to say so he would prove Jermaine as a liar.

And let us not forget that Jermaine has been somewhat vocal on people cashing in on Michael's name and legacy. If he is not doing the same why leave it until 2 years after his brother's reported death to say what he feels?

So Jermaine blocked me for questioning his motives for releasing a book now. No big deal. But the old saying "Sometimes the truth hurts. And sometimes it feels real good." really fits.

I do not use my Twitter account to kiss ass. I just tweet what I think and what I see. And if Jermaine cannot handle the truth he might want to rethink writing a book because the media is going to be a lot harsher on the final resulting book than I was.

So if Jermaine wants a flock of sheep that will follow, and kiss his ass, he can have them. But when people question him he should actually think of the things he has done in the past. Because his previous actions is the reason for questioning him now.

Peace.

Cuss Count: Zero

Legal Notice: This post is based on free speech and free thought. Also it is worth noticing that the denial of the 2006 book proposal was only after it was rumored Michael Jackson would sue Jermaine; and kick him out of the house that Michael owned.

Tweets You Will Never See

With an average of 140 million tweets sent each and every day; there are some tweets you just wish would, one day, turn up in your Twitter time line.

Here are just a few that people are waiting to see appear:

Michael Jackson:

TMZ:

Justin Bieber:

 Jermaine Jackson:

Nelson De La Nuez:

Charles Manson:

Lindsay Lohan:

Barack Obama:

Peace.

Cuss Count: Zero

Legal Notice: None of these tweets have taken place at the time of writing; as it is merely satire. Do not quote these quotes as being from the accounts. This post is satire; and is not connected to the real world or any news agency.

American Idol: The Jacksons

Just recently a unaired special of American Idol turned up. The unaired special features members of the Jackson family. Although, due to legal reasons, I am unable to supply any footage; but the full transcript is reproduced below.

Ryan: Welcome to American Idol, tonight coming live from Encino, California. A special for one night only; featuring Jermaine, Tito, Janet, and Joe Jackson. So without further ado - This is American Idol: The Jacksons.

[Title sequence]

Ryan: Introducing, as always, our expert panel of judges. Steven Tyler, Jennifer Lopez, and Randy Jackson.

[Judges walk in and take their seats; waving to the audience]

Ryan: So, what can we expect tonight?
Steven: Well obviously the talent is expected to be that much higher.
Randy: Hold up dawg. What about Joe?
Steven: I'm expecting big things from Joe.
Jennifer: So was I - but it wasn't ... oh you mean the show.
Ryan: Well the judges are already having differences. So let us introduce our first performer; Jermaine Jackson.

[Jermaine steps out of a cloud of fog]

Ryan: So Jermaine, what was it like growing up in the shadow of Michael?
Jermaine: I don't see it that way. A lot of the success Michael had was because of me.
Ryan: Really?
Jermaine: I taught Michael everything.
Ryan: If you say so. So why was you not as famous?
Jermaine: Michael got beat less than ...

[From offstage Joe Jackson is heard shouting: "Boy shut your mouth or I will come on that stage and whoop your ass."]

Jermaine: See what I mean.
Ryan: OK Jermaine. So what song are you going to be performing tonight?
Jermaine: Tonight Ryan I am going to be singing Jenny From The Block by the beautiful Jennifer Lopez.
Jennifer: Like hell you are.
Ryan: Seems at least one of the judges is doubting your ability.
Jermaine: I'll show them.
Ryan: OK, tonight Jermaine Jackson is Jennifer Lopez.

[Jermaine sings for about 20 seconds]

Randy: Hold up; hold up dawg. What was that?
Jermaine: Jenny From The Block.
Jennifer: Uh uh. No it wasn't.
Jermaine: Sure it was.
Jennifer: It is my song. I know how it should sound.
Randy: I wasn't feeling it dawg.
Jermaine: Can I try again?
Jennifer: What song would you kill this time?
Jermaine: Love In An Elevator by Aerosmith.
Steven: Like fuck you will.
Randy: Sorry dawg. It is just not happening. So Steven?
Steven: Yeah. What?
Randy: What do you think dawg?
Steven: No words can describe that performance. It would be a no from me.
Jennifer: [Through tears] I cannot believe what you did to my song. It is a no.
Randy: Sorry dawg. But it is 3 noes.

Ryan: So Jermaine, the judges were just not liking it.
Jermaine: What do they know. I'm famous. I was on Celebrity Big Brother.
Ryan: That is not really fame.
Jermaine: Sure it is. I was even thinking of doing an American Idol tribute.
Ryan: No.
Jermaine: Please?
Ryan: No Jermaine. Go home.

[From offstage Joe Jackson is heard shouting again: "Pick up some condoms on your way. Your Mom is sick and tired of paying for your kids. I should of done the world a favor when you was a kid and kicked you in the nuts."]

Ryan: We'll be right back.

[Commercial Break]

Ryan: Welcome back to American Idol: The Jacksons special. Coming up now is Tito Jackson.

[Tito steps out of a cloud of fog]

Ryan: Tito.
Tito: Yeah.
Ryan: No, I was just welcoming you. So what song are you doing tonight?
Tito: On The Roof Again by Eve 6.
Ryan: [Laughing] Will you have a taco with you?
Tito: What?
Ryan: You know what I mean - you always go on about being on the roof and eating tacos.
Tito: It is just a song. I cannot eat and sing.
Ryan: Um OK. Tonight Tito is going to be Eve 6.

[Tito sings for about 40 seconds]

Randy: Hold up dawg. Hold up dawg. How old are you?
Tito: I am 57 and holding.
Randy: Really dawg?
Jennifer: I liked it. At least it wasn't Jermaine killing one of my songs this time.
Steven: It was OK but you was all over the place with your pitch. It is a no from me.
Jennifer: It is a yes from me.
Randy: And it is a yes from me.
Steven: Wait a fucking minute here. So basically my vote does not count?
Randy: Of course it does dawg. Just it was 2 - 1.
Steven: You know I could be touring with Aerosmith?
Ryan: Well Tito the judges are split but you made it through.
Tito: Can I go back to the roof now?
Ryan: Sure.
Tito: Thanks.
Ryan: Two down and still two more to come right after this.

[Commercial Break]

Ryan: Welcome back. We have seen Jermaine and Tito and still to come Joe and Janet. Right now Joe Jackson.

[Joe steps out of a cloud of fog]

Joe: Do that again. Introduce me as Mr Jackson. Do it right or I am going to whoop your ass. Just because you are not my kid does not mean I cannot beat you.
Ryan: Really Joe?
Joe: Just do it. Don't make me take my belt off to you boy.
Ryan: Um. OK. Right now is Mr Jackson.

[Joe steps out of a cloud of fog again]

Joe: Now that is better.
Ryan: So Joe.
Joe: I'm taking my belt off.
Ryan: I mean Mr Jackson, what song are you going to be performing tonight?
Joe: Tonight I am going to be singing Thriller by my son Michael.
Ryan: Really?
Joe: Of course not. I am going to be doing Beat It. That has always been a favorite of mine.
Ryan: Figures.
Joe: Don't back chat me boy. Just introduce me.
Ryan: OK. Tonight, for one night only, Joe ... I mean Mr Jackson will be performing Beat It by Michael Jackson.

[Joe sings for about 15 seconds]

Randy: Hold up dawg. What was that?
Joe: Dawg? Last person to call me dawg ended up in the emergency room; it was Marlon. You can call me Mr Jackson or sir. I am not no dawg.
Randy: OK player.
Joe: That is it. You are going to feel my belt.
Randy: Look Mr Jackson it is a no from me.
Jennifer: And it is a no from ...
Joe: Woman who said you could speak? Did either of these men indicate you could? You know my wife? She knows how to behave. She ever steps out of line she feels the back of my hand.
Steven: Mr Jackson it is a no from me too.
Joe: Don't interrupt me when I am speaking. I'll whoop your ass too. That is it I am taking my belt off.

[Joe takes off his belt. His trousers fall around his ankles revealing silk Superman boxers. As he tries to pull his trousers up he is escorted off the stage by security]

Ryan: Only on American Idol. We'll be right back.

[Commercial Break]

Ryan: Welcome back. Our final performer tonight is Janet Jackson.

[Janet steps out of a cloud of fog]

Ryan: Welcome Janet.
Janet: My brother was murdered.
Ryan: Yes; the events were very tragic.
Janet: It is OK. He just faked his death.
Ryan: What?
Janet: My brother was murdered.
Ryan: But you just said. Never mind. Moving on. So, Janet what will you be singing tonight?
Janet: I'm going to be singing Papa Was A Rolling Stone by The Temptations.

[From offstage Joe Jackson is heard shouting yet again: "Girl you pay me respect. I'll beat you too; I don't care who is watching. Now where the hell is my belt?"]

Ryan: OK. Tonight Janet Jackson is The Temptations.

[Janet sings for a full 2 minutes]

Jennifer: [Crying] That was beautiful.
Steven: ooh Momma.
Randy: You knocked that one out of the park.
Jennifer: Everything was perfect. That is a definite yes from me.
Randy: You know I am not related; right?
Steven: Hey Dawg I saw her first.
Randy: Dawg dawg dawg dawg. She is not going to go with some wrinkled up old man.
Steven: Janet, here is the key to my hotel room. That is how you get a yes from me.
Randy: Damn I lost a sister to a white dude. Janet it is a yes from me anyway.
Janet: Thank you, thank you, do I have to let a nipple pop out now?
Ryan: Whoa. And on that note we bring a close to this special edition of American Idol. Janet Jackson is clearly the winner. Goodnight America.

[Ryan walks off drinking a Coke before getting into his Ford Fusion. Steven pops a Viagra pill and heads to the hotel. Randy is last seen scuffling with Joe; arguing about a birth certificate and shouting about "sowing wild oats"]

Peace.

Cuss Count: Minimal

Legal Notice: This post is satire. As such it is not connected with American Idol, The Jackson family, Coke, or Ford. HNN is in no way connected to any news agency. Ferrari still are not sponsoring so buy any car you want.

To Plea Or Not To Plea?

So, Lindsay Lohan never accepted the plea deal offered by the Los Angeles District Attorney's office. And then lo and behold Judge Schwartz was kind enough to offer her another two weeks to consider an undisclosed deal. The problem with both deals are that they include jail time and have Lindsay Lohan admitting to a felony.

There are a few reasons why Lindsay is better not to cop a plea.

Firstly, there is a witness that has come forward to say that when he went into the jewelry store, and showed an interest in the necklace that Lindsay Lohan allegedly stole, he was told the price was $800. The man has contacted Lindsay Lohan's defense team; and is willing to testify to the fact. California law states:

California Penal Code 487:

Grand theft is theft committed in any of the following cases:

(a) When the money, labor, or real or personal property taken is of a value exceeding nine hundred fifty dollars ($950), except as provided in subdivision (b).

(b) Notwithstanding subdivision (a), grand theft is committed in any of the following cases:

(1) (A) When domestic fowls, avocados, olives, citrus or deciduous fruits, other fruits, vegetables, nuts, artichokes, or other farm crops are taken of a value exceeding two hundred fifty dollars ($250).

So as the item in question is a necklace and not a domestic fowl, avocado, olive, or a deciduous fruit the fact that the necklace is only worth $800 takes the charge from a felony to a misdemeanor; at the very most.

But we also have a few other facts to take into fact. The video surveillance:

It clearly shows the date as January 21, 2061. So, in court, is Deputy District Attorney Danette Meyers going to try and convince a jury that Lindsay Lohan travelled 50 years into the future and stole the necklace? Actually as a felony case it would actually be better for her to suggest this as the $800 necklace may indeed be worth $2500 in 2061. As evidence goes it is pretty worthless due to the incorrect date. As the date is so far out it could have been any time. No it is not the greatest defense in the world; but one of the jobs of a defense lawyer at trial is not only to prove innocence but also prove that the evidence that the prosecution has is worthless.

Then we have the actions of the Jewelry store. Kamofie and Co., of Venice, California have not only sold the surveillance footage to the Associated Press for $35,000 but have also indicated they will auction the necklace after the case concludes. Hardly the actions of a "distressed victim" of a felonious theft. More like the actions of a company wanting to "cash in". And it gets even more surreal when a representative from the jewelry store makes the following statement when Lindsay Lohan threatens to sue for the release of the surveillance footage; citing that she never gave them the right to use her image for profit: "We regret to hear there is trepidation by Miss Lohan in connection with the video. We hope that everyone understands that this is beyond our control, the flood of the requests to see this video were simply too overwhelming. It was truly necessary to put it out."

Beyond their control? Yes, maybe the release of the footage may have been out of their hands. But to sell the footage? No.

So, back to the original question, should Lindsay Lohan take a plea to a felony? Hell no. At the very most it was a misdemeanor. And at the very least it was an honest mistake.

And if you really want to get technical. The Deputy District Attorney and the Judge are pushing that this is also a probation violation. The question is why? Lindsay Lohan has not been found guilty of a crime; merely accused. Is it fair, or even legal, for the Deputy District Attorney and Judge in a case to basically say she is guilty without being found guilty? Now although the US Constitution does not actually say the immortal phrase "innocent until proven guilty" it does give a couple of provisions; such as the right to remain silent and the right to a jury trial; and that the jury be impartial. Nowhere does it state that you can be assumed guilty.

So, back to the question - To plea or not to plea? In this case the answer is obviously No.

And let's not forget that a theft usually involves some sort of loss. Kamofie & Co. have made at least $35,000 from the sale of the surveillance footage and will make even more when the auction of the necklace takes place.

#Justice4Lindsay

Cuss Count: Zero

Legal Notice: This post is in no way offering legal advice; and should not be read as such. This post is not prepared in conjunction with any news agency or any other agency. Also this post was created without the sponsorship of Ferrari - seems the car has not arrived; nor is it likely to.

Things Don't Add Up

Personally, I don't care if people believe in the hoax or not. But as time goes by the increase in nutjobs and fake Michael Jacksons it is like the hoax is a light to the retards that troll the Internet - flying straight in to the light.

But whether you believe or not some things just do not add up; and I'm not talking about some dumbass math equation. Nor am I talking about supposed clues that Michael Jackson put into place back in biblical times.

The things that make me wonder the most are proven facts which just do not make sense; and can be checked by anybody and everybody. More to the point they should be checked by everybody.

1. AEG Live is part of a multi-billion group called the Anschutz Entertainment Group. Michael Jackson is one of the biggest, if not the biggest, superstars of our time. AEG were betting a lot of cash on the O2 tour dates; and Michael Jackson saw it as an opportunity to 'reboot' his career and possibly be the start of a world tour. So why hire a doctor who by his previous medical record was not that good; and by court testimony from Michael's bodyguards didn't even know CPR even though he is allegedly a cardiologist? And AEG were to pay this doctor $150,000 per month? Sorry but for $150,000 a month I would at least want a doctor who actually knew CPR.

2. The TMZ connection. No I don't think Michael Jackson and Harvey Levin are working together; but TMZ did report the the death SIX whole minutes before it was pronounced. And since June 25, 2009 TMZ has become the Mecca for Michael Jackson fans; both believers and non-believers alike. Obviously it can be said that TMZ just got lucky - but their 'announcement' of Michael's death was a whole SIX minutes before the doctors at UCLA pronounced him dead.

3. CPR. Just how long did they do CPR? Well that depends on which series of events is true. But, if we take the reported series of events, which may or may not be true, Conrad Murray started CPR before the 911 call, continued while the paramedics were at the house, continued further in the ambulance, and then other doctors at UCLA tried even more. So the 911 call was supposedly placed at 12:21PM, paramedics left 100 North Carolwood Drive at 1:08PM, doctors at UCLA pronounced death at 2:26PM. So, in total approximately 2 hours of CPR. I'm no doctor but in checking all this CPR stuff out it is noted that brain death occurs after 10-12 minutes; with brain damage occurring after just 3 minutes. And most doctors would cease CPR after 30 minutes.

4. Since the reported death of Michael Jackson on June 25, 2009 instead of friends, family, and close business associates respectfully mourning they have all been cashing in. There have been books by the boat load, AEG & Sony rushed to get This Is It out in the cinema and then on DVD, Jermaine Jackson has organized more tributes than he has kids, Katherine Jackson with the help of one seriously shady businessman, Howard Mann, wrote a book about her son, and Joe Jackson instead of grieving on June 29, 2009 used the BET awards tribute to his son to advertise his own recording label. Hardly, in my mind, the actions of family and friends that are mourning the loss of a loved one.

5. On the subject of loved ones grieving. Where were close friends of Michael Jackson during the memorial and funeral? Most notably Diana Ross, who Michael was going to trust to look after his kids never made it to either. And other friends never made it because of their schedules. I know they are famous but when a death occurs family and friends pull together.

These 5 things are not clues which only a 'true believer' can deduce. These are reported facts which when considered just do not add up.

A brief overview of these facts would read:

An incompetent doctor gets paid $150,000 a month for a job he cannot do. Medical professionals, paramedics, and the doctors at UCLA forget all protocols. TMZ announce the death before it actually happens. Friends don't show up to pay respect. And instead of grieving the family cash in and start lawsuits against anyone and everyone for capital gain.

Reading the facts off it is difficult to decide it is not a hoax. And to answer these things that don't add up:

1. For $150,000 a month Murray better have been something else; because for that money he wasn't worth it as a doctor.

2. TMZ messed up. Not sure why they would know but maybe, and it is just a maybe, they knew something. Either that or a doctor at UCLA called TMZ before announcing the death. Or Harvey and the crew realized after an hour of CPR there was no coming back.

3. CPR for that long makes no sense whatsoever and appears to be just a cover.

4. Friends and family are not grieving because they know Michael is alive. Not all of them; but the important ones.

5. Same thing really. Why turn up to a memorial and funeral when you know the person is alive?

Peace.

Cuss Count: Zero

Legal Notice: This post is an opinion. This blog is not associated with any other news agency. This blog is still not sponsored by Ferrari as of yet.

Why?

I was asked my opinion on the 'why?' Michael Jackson faked his death. And as I answered that particular question then with a 'I don't know' - nothing has changed I still don't know why Michael Jackson faked his death.

Well, anyway, I awoke this morning and as I was having the usual morning cup of coffee I was once again wondering why Michael Jackson faked his death. I came up with a list of possibilities. The list doesn't exhaust the endless possibilities in any way, shape, or form. It is just a few thoughts I had.

Murder Plot
Death Threats
Publicity Stunt
Rest & Rehabilitation
Money Problems

I am not saying any of these are correct; actually I am not saying anything at all. These are just thoughts on the whole 'why?' of the hoax.

Murder Plot

OK I know it is a bit far out there. But the first question is who would want to murder Michael Jackson? Thinking about it I drew up the mental list:

Randy Jackson/Nation Of Islam
Jermaine Jackson/Tohme Tohme/Nation Of Islam
Sony/AEG
The Jackson Family
The Illuminati

Randy Jackson/Nation Of Islam - Some have suggested that it was not Jermaine who introduced Michael to the Nation of Islam; but instead it was Randy. But if it was Randy why is it widely reported that Randy was instrumental in severing ties between Michael and the Nation of Islam? Maybe, once they had enough information from the inside they were no longer needed and could be removed to avoid any suspicious connection to the Nation of Islam; who have a history of violence and killing. But it still doesn't say what Randy gets out of it. The only possibility, which is really slim, is that as Katherine gets 40% of the Michael Jackson trust. When Katherine dies Randy would most likely inherit some of that. Which just doesn't seem a good enough reason to murder a sibling.

Jermaine Jackson/Tohme Tohme/Nation Of Islam - Again, there are a lot of suggestions that Jermaine introduced Michael to the Nation of Islam; and if so it would follow the same path, as way of an explanation, as Randy with there being two major differences. Firstly, Jermaine through his marriage is connected to Tohme Tohme who has some shady connection with the Nation of Islam. Secondly, Jermaine has some well publicized money problems. But personally still not a good enough reason, in my mind, to off a sibling.

Sony/AEG - Yet again the end result is money. On the side of Sony they would some how take ownership of Michael's 50% of the Sony/ATV catalogue (valued at approximately $50 million). Also,, down the line, I am sure they would find a way of making millions more from other Michael Jackson related ventures (such as TII - the Director's Cut, ore Album sales, more singles released). AEG on the other hand don't make too much money in comparison. They got the $60 million for the TII footage, and if Conrad Murray is convicted of involuntary manslaughter I am sure they have some more insurance money coming in; maybe. But is the value enough to kill? Both companies make billions each year. Sony as Sony and all its subsidiaries. AEG as part of the Anschutz Company and all their subsidiaries. So once again, in my mind, a good motive but just not enough of a motive; so ultimately unlikely.

The Jackson Family - Before everyone sends me hate emails saying leave the Jackson family alone; this is just a thought. Since June 25, 2009 the solo careers of many of Michael's siblings have been rebooted; as has public awareness of the whole Jackson family. Who can forget FOX news calling Jermaine Randy because they did not know who he was? But enough to kill one of their own for? Very, very, unlikely.

The Illuminati - I only mention this because it has been suggested in the past. In my mind I don't see it. An elite group hellbent on world domination taking out a singer who had not really released anything in a while. Just doesn't make sense to me. I'm guessing they had more important things to do.

On the basis of the list I don't see a 'murder plot' being the reason for Michael Jackson to fake his death. Plus if these people (Nation of Islam, Sony, AEG, Illuminati) wanted Michael Jackson dead they have the money, power, and resources to get it done without leaving so much 'mess' behind.

Death Threats

I kind of blew this one off altogether. Remembering the FBI papers mentioning a previous death threat; which didn't cause Michael Jackson to fake his death. But as I was thinking about it the major change would be the children. Maybe it was not Michael being threatened at all but the kids. So he fakes his death to protect them; which gives the idea a certain level of plausibility. But 20 months have passed now. Surely if Michael went into hiding for the fear of his kids being harmed this would have been investigated, and resolved by now.

Publicity Stunt

There would be an uproar, even from hardcore Michael Jackson fans, if the whole death hoax was no more than a publicity stunt. I think if Michael was going to come back and say it was just a publicity stunt - it would be safer for him not to come back. Also a publicity stunt that lasts 20 months? Very unlikely; and very unrealistic in my mind.

Rest & Rehabilitation

Yet again send the hate emails if you really must - this is just thinking aloud. Rest? Not buying it for a second simply for the fact of one question - Rest from what? Rehabilitation? The media maintains that Michael was a junkie addicted to painkillers since the Pepsi incident. There were reports that the family wanted to do an intervention. Reports that AEG did an intervention. But nothing really substantiates these claims; in fact the family intervention has been heavily denied. So rest and rehabilitation - I'm not buying it.

Money Problems

Did Michael Jackson have money problems? It would appear so. And I say appear because the whole money situation is a financial minefield. Loans, catalogues, legal fees, and spending - all widely discussed. But then the estate reports $310 million profit since 06/25/2009 - which is allegedly paying off debts and creditors. But forget the financial details and think of the bigger picture. Michael was a businessman no doubt. So with a business mind and extensive knowledge of the music industry - did Michael fake his death to solve the financial problems and secure his kids futures? It is not that weird a thought really; hundreds each year commit suicide because of debt. Why not take it one step further - fake your death, solve your money problems, and reap the rewards? Possible but unlikely. If it was ever uncovered you have all the legal aspects to consider; and if you are Michael Jackson you have to stay hidden.

So after thinking about it, personally I am nowhere nearer knowing the why. The options I could think of seem a little too extreme in most cases; and absurd in some cases.

Which lead me to the one final thought. Are we, as hoaxers and believers, just seeing what we want to see with regards to a hoax? Is it possible that sadly on 06/25/2009 Michael Jackson did indeed pass away and that all the 'clues' are merely of holding on to Michael Jackson? And are all the legal, and paperwork, 'mistakes' merely an insight to a system that is failing; and needs an overhaul of mammoth proportions?

As I said at the beginning these are merely thoughts. Some will not like some of the suggestions. But if we are ever to find the truth of what happened on 06/25/2009 we really need to look, and investigate, all reasonable possibilities. Because only by ruling out various things can we ever find the truth, and reality, of what happened; and why it happened.

Peace.

Cuss Count: Zero

Legal Notice: None required. I am still not affiliated with any news agency. And I still have no sponsorship deal offer from Ferrari.